Sorry

I can't believe that I never found it until now.
Your thoughts, your wishes, your memories.
Flipping to the dates when we were together,
the emotions rushing through you finally became clear.

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
For breaking your heart.

"I didn't know" isn't a valid excuse for me.
I should've known. 

Looking and Not Looking

Begin by determining if you are actually searching for something. Then try to ask the right questions, to figure out what you want.
Next, generate some constraints and limits so you can scope your search.
Perform the search.
Find someone, anyone.
Reflect and analyze this individual to your list of requirements.
Realize you didn't know what you wanted.

Take her hand and run.

It's the only way to know.

No, I haven't forgotten

That was always me. The boy who spoke too much of dreams, marvelled at the possibilities, and was entranced by every single source of motivation. Transfixed on a goal so high, yet fully confident that it could be achieved.

Do you remember those nights? Curled up in the vehicle, you in my arms, looking out the windows at the trees that surrounded us. It was like our own little place, the trees as our sentries.

Those were the days, youthful optimism, the smell of your hair, a blank canvas as a future.

Fast forward five years and we meet again. You, weary of the world; me, my canvas filled with something considerably different.

You ask, where is that boy? what of the dreams? What of those words?

and I say: he's here, they're still alive, and I meant every single one.

Salsa

Do you ever find yourself waiting aimlessly for something, and then realize that you don't have the slightest clue of what it is that you are waiting for?

I'm curious, is this ignorance a positive thing or a bad thing? Perhaps not knowing is the right thing.

Latin music plays as the salsa club goes through their weekly lesson with a bunch of eager faces. A few of them are familiar, particularly the instructor. He looked up, and I quickly turned to hide my face.

He knows me well enough by name and is probably wondering why I didn't join them this year.

There was something about salsa though, about leading a dance and having the girl trust you entirely. One slip of confidence, one over analysis, and you miss a tempo or forget to give a signal and it all falls apart.

I remember my dancing partner, she struggled with reading the signals because she wasn't used to waiting for someone to lead. Ever independent, she'd always jump ahead of me as soon as she decided on what move I was requesting. Unfortunately, most of the time she was wrong.

I held her one time by the shoulders after she apologized for the third time straight,  looked her in the eyes and told her to not break the gaze. We finished the next song smoothly, with full eye contact, oblivious to the world around us, and barely noticing the dance at all. We were moving gracefully, but were just along for the ride. The dance took to life itself.

I realize that through that exercise, although I intended for her to let go of her independent tendencies, I actually accomplished something else for myself as well. I learned to stop analyzing and just trust the part of me that bobs to a nice tempo or autonomously decides things before I consciously do.

It was fascinating, and I've only felt like that the few times she asked me to practice with her that term.

Surprisingly, I'm finding myself missing salsa. Perhaps I'll dance again someday soon.

Morning Ritual

It was a rather poor saturday morning, humid and a little too warm. The city was shrouded with thick mist, but I still found myself standing at the city center. I had arrived home late, 3 AM to be precise, snuck into the house and avoided alarming the dogs, then left early in the morning before anyone was awake. I was nobody's concern, because frankly, I wasn't supposed to be here.

Things keep changing. As I crept into the house the previous night, I found it layered with protective coverings. It looks like there is some major renovation going on. Similarly, the city center, which I was once so familiar with was different. Buildings have sprouted out of the vacant lands and construction was ongoing at the city hall for what looks to be a concert stage. I lingered a moment in front of the shopping center entrance before deciding that it was open.

It's been nine years since I've been here on my own. There was always someone with me when I found myself walking through the shopping center, sadly, I realize that I haven't spoken to any of them for many years.

Breakfast was an omelette and freshly squeezed orange juice. While contemplating this morning ritual of eating out by myself, I passed a girl who was sitting alone at a table, enjoying a similar meal. I guess I'm not the only one spending the morning by myself. 

I caught up on a bit of reading checking the rss feeds on the phone, going through old notes that I had recently synced from my retired electronic devices. Finding one that was from my long abandoned handheld device (Palm Pilot anyone?). It was a list a younger me had created, a bucket list of sorts, full of things I wanted to do in my life. Most of it was naive romantic stuff such as dancing with a girl in the rain, make someone laugh so hard they cried, fix a broken heart... pretty much stuff I can cross off now, since I inadvertently did all of them already.

But then it got me thinking about what a modern version of that list would be like. I thought about all the choices and opportunities I had before me, but then was distraught upon realizing that I couldn't tell you where I wanted to be in 10 years time.

Maybe I'll be married?
Maybe I'll be single but established financially?
Perhaps I'll be working for some large corporation or government agency?
Or working for myself, managing my own business?

What's the use of opening doors if you have no intention of going through them? It's just a waste of time going through the effort. Similarly, making good progress in no direction is just as wasteful. You need both passion and vision to get to a difficult destination. Passion I don't lack in, but vision; that's as cloudy as the mist outside.

Then there is the question of payback. You see, everything I have came with strings attached... the car, the financial support. I'll need to start generating a return soon, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that as a graduate student.

And so, as I finished up the last of the omelette, I wondered what I was to do, where my priorities should be, and what the correct path was.

I'm sitting on a bunch of resources. What the hell should I do with it all?

Perhaps I'll solve that the next time I find the time for my morning ritual.

Silent Workings

I disappear when I'm busy working on fundamentals and making critical decisions. I've missed everyone very much, but things are taking longer than expected.

I need to deal with this alone, to build character and ensure that I don't blame anyone else for my choices.

Many changes are on the horizon. I must work faster.

Admire from a Distance

Occasionally someone will wander into your life
Just a bit, not wholly in it, but simply in your view.
She'll be amazing, graceful, eloquent, and beautiful;
talented, determined, and intelligent.
And all you could do is stand at the side and silently take her in.
Knowing that she'll never know that you ever existed
or that she stole a part of you.

So all you can do is admire from a distance,
this being that passed you by.

Wondering why the world does this,
offering what you can never hope to have.

Just a note.

As things come to an end, explanations for my conduct this term:

1. I am here for a very different purpose than most individuals.
2. There is a lot of work to do; and
3. Most people are full of crap.

Engineering is just an alternate route to my ultimate goal, albiet the more difficult one. I knew this going in, and it has been a humbling and enlightening experience. Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to try something new, I need to remain on the ride until it's done.

This is only the beginning of the journey, there's still so much to prepare and actually execute. Hopefully I am capable of doing what needs to be done, but I'm nervous and need to focus. This is why I haven't partaken in many activities that would distract me.

Outward appearances are only part of the story. Most things people say are meaningless. You can't rely on someone to tell you what their character is like, you can only judge them based on how they act. Even those that would see it as pretentious to judge do so themselves. The irony, hypocrisy, and change in human personalities will never cease to amaze me; I'd rather not associate myself with individuals who exemplify this, while doing what I can to ensure I don't become one of them.

With that said, it has been a wonderfully interesting five years at Waterloo. Although it feels like just the end of another term, where we bid everyone goodbye just to see them in 4-months time, this time it'll be different. We won't be coming back. It'll sink in later, and I'll miss everyone sorely. But until then, best of luck to everyone on their exams, job searches, and graduate school applications.

Networks

Maintaining networks is a time consuming and resource intensive task. With limits in both, it means you can only have a core group of active relationships at a time; which can be rotated to changing situations and environments. This lends itself to a system that requires conditioning to the notion of letting people go.

At the same time, you learn to analyze your relationships and build a roster based on certain qualities and principles. It has been a long time coming, and a rather difficult one at that, but the reorganization and reconstruction of my networks is going well.

Apologies to the people I have had to push away along the way, I enjoyed our time together, and this never was supposed to be a judge of your character in terms of "good" or "bad." No, I wouldn't presume to be worthy of judging anyone as thus. But rather whether your traits were in line with what "fit" and "didn't."

I will need a team soon, and there are many positions to fill. I promise an opportunity like no other, but you won't hear of it until I know I can deliver. Expect to receive an invitation to join me someday, after I have set things up; and yes, I am prepared to convince you that this will be something spectacular.

To those of you whom I've already worked with, it's been a delight.
To those I've yet to work with, fight with me and challenge my ideas. If we can pull off success after all that and still be friends at the end of the day, we'll be just fine.

Thank you for being a part of my life, and hopefully you'll accept the offer I give you down the road.

Missed Connections

Do you ever feel like you've lost something, when there is a brief interaction with another being but no followthrough?

Like the time you open the door for a girl, and your eyes lock as she smiles appreciatively. Perhaps it was a trick of the mind, but things pause, things hold. You both share a moment, and then it passes fleetingly. She never reappears in your life.

But what would've happened if you somehow reached out more? Complimented her choice of accessories perhaps, leading to a conversation about the item, a phone number, a lunch together, a date, one unforgettable night, a ring, a child, a lifetime of adventures.

No one will ever know.

Most people would think that far-fetched, but it's happened before.

A girl, a message, a photo shoot out together, a failed attempt at a kiss. A week later, the girl rode her bike across the city in the dead of the night to tell the boy how much she cared about him. The week after that, the boy drove terribly far to tell her how crazy he was of her. Arguments, tears, and many weeks, months, years pass. Now they are the best of friends.

It all began with a message the girl sent to the boy. She was a stranger, just reaching out to someone who she stumbled upon through a connection.

It can happen, it has, and I'd hate to miss another one.

Couple little reminders

Things I still need to do:

1. Determine the limiting factor to my personal photography. Is it gear or technique?
Need to try and do more with less, do not upgrade anything until I've managed to push the boundaries of my equipment. Learn to work with the gear I have, and not try to buy a solution.

2. Culture > Strategy
Establish better habits. A winning culture is more pervasive and will have longer reaching effects than a winning strategy.

3. Decide
"The only thing you're more indecisive about than your camera gear, is your girls." - Cake.
You suck, but yes... you're right.

4. Excess Capacity is Wasteful. Streamline.
My music studio, my instruments, the extra computers sitting at home that I built. Make something out of them... start recording again, perform musically, build that server cluster you've always wanted... or sell them all.

5. Take Those First Steps
Breaking the initial barrier is just as difficult as the long run, but the initial push can take you far. Consider all those business endeavours that never took off, the difficulty with moving from doing "free" work to "paid" work. Just do it.

6. Don't Wait for Perfection
A product that can do something 50% now. Is better than no product at all and the inability to do the same task. Plus, this is part of its development... release at 80% ability and build in systems for future updates/patches for the remaining 20% if you're concerned about branding.

7. Learn from Inspiring People
They were special. They did things that no one figured they could do. They inspired, worked hard, and blew expectations away. Learn from people who are better.

8. Be Genuinely Happy for Other's Successes
Your time will come, and it'll appear in a different way. For now, let their happiness be your happiness. Congratulations to those of you who have amazing job offers and post-undergraduate acceptances. See you all at the top.

9. Reassess Strengths and Weaknesses
This was last done a year ago. That's a long time in a person's life... so redo these soon to identify the new challenges that need to be addressed.

10. Let Go
Of people who are no longer in your life. You've had your time together, manage to say goodbye. Of the past, it is already a part of you... no need to try and bring it back to the present.

Get a grip on things again, pull yourself together, and look for new avenues as the old ones fill up.

Rage.

Tumblr needs to stop going down.
The parents need to stop hounding me to get a girlfriend.
Calculus sucks.
I need to buy a better lens.
Why can't I work faster and better?
I need to cook something new, but stop randomly experimenting with ingredients that just don't work.
Someone should go skating with me.
and... some friends should come over and help me finish the beer that's been in my room for 3 months now.

That is all :)

For Myself

Just so these don't get lost down in your tumblr as time passes, and a little encouragement for what is turning out to be a tumultuous year.

“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands, but not you.”

— Jim Rohn

“Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves … will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we’re gone and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?”

— Odysseus’s line - Troy (2004)

Chin up, back straight. Be glorious, be amazing, be awesome.
Do fulfilling work and let the other chips fall where they may.

Photo Albums

You rarely notice it, but you're changing quickly.
Look back through those albums. At the people in them, how many are still in your life?
What about the emotions felt during the moment, how many promises did you make that were never kept?
How has your appearance changed? Whatever happened to that favorite jacket of yours?
Or you hair, a laughable style in this day and age.

Photo albums. Chronicles of our lives, or painful reminders of the fallibility of it all?

On-Two

There's something between each line of words,

the graceful manner an artist wields her tool,

the connection of two weaving through a dance,

the subtlety of each brush stroke on canvas--

this I want to understand.

So many things being uprooted and turned around. My, how people have changed, how memories have faded, how what was once useful to me... is now detrimental.

It's all so reminiscent of my experience with Salsa dancing, where I began by learning how to break "on-one" only to be corrected by learning how to break "on-two". The same dance following different evolutionary paths. Similar steps, but on different beats of the music--it makes all the difference. Now, the movements are much more fluidic and beautiful.

Fluid equates to flexibility. Beauty to quality. The two things I want my life to be.

Still Alive :)

Yes, I'm still kicking and around. Thank you to those who cared enough to reach me in some way.

2011 is truly setting itself as a year to be remembered. Restructuring of my systems, developing new ones concurrently to assume their responsibilities as those are shifted out is a draining and taxing process.

There are a lot of deadlines, but they are thankfully staggered, hopefully preventing the burnouts I've experienced in previous terms. A lot more buffer has been allocated this term to allow for more drastic fluctuations in my schedule. Academic, personal and familial expectations are all being kept in line at the moment. I've had a lot of gentle, and not so subtle, prods in the right direction; so expect me to be pushing every envelope that I used to accept as my natural limits. We're human. We've always striven to go beyond what others define as our limits, so there's no excuse for me to be so complacent with my position.

My apologies for being so antisocial, for being so quiet, for being so distant with people I should be holding close.

Imagine running down a hill, as soon as you start, you can't stop. You may be concerned that you'll lose control, but you can't be bothered by that. Just keep going, focus, have faith.

and most of all, remember and cherish those who've stuck along with you the entire way.

2011

Why, hello there 2011.

I'm not sure if I should greet you with resounding exuberance or wary lethargy. The past year has been a memorable one. I've seen many things, learned a spectacular amount about myself, done things I've never attempted before, and never seen life as clearly as I see it now. There was the olympics, wild parties, as well as amazing people who have appeared and moved on in my life. It was the year where I established the qualities that I look for in the people, and selected a handful of individuals to form the core of my achievements... should they choose to participate. It was year I better positioned myself for life after university.

But it hasn't been easy. There has been so many slaps to the face, many relationships broken, investments lost, dead ends and disappointments. I've regrettably had to push certain people away as their attitude towards me changed, I didn't perform as well in school after I held opportunities that would serve me better in the workforce in higher importance, and I've analyzed and dissected how I live my life repeatedly.

Every fall and disappointment is a blessing, I've learned that much. But 2011, my confusion is not in whether you'll be just as painful or more so than the year past. It isn't a request for you to go easy on me, or bring me fortune without expecting fair payment.

No, 2011 will be a defining year regardless of what happens. Before me are turbulent waters, and I'll do what I always do in times like these... dig in with the oars and paddle onwards.

If I may, every year I make a wish along with my resolutions. It isn't so much a wish, as a promise that I'll work hard to achieve my request should the opportunity present itself. Just for your information, it's worked every single year... so don't leave me hanging okay?

I prefer my adventures to be an affair shared with a partner. It's a wonderful opportunity for us to bond and grow together, and particularly in difficult times, having two paddles in the water holds the boat much steadier. I've been patient, I've been honest. I'm very specific in what I need. The past year has shown me people with grace, brilliance, or strength.

In 2011, I ask for someone with all three qualities because this is true beauty. In a world of superficial powdered faces and surgery, I just want to be with someone who can build things with me. I have someone in mind already, so a little bit of support in that direction would be appreciated.

One of the last pictures I took of 2010

Alright 2011, It'll be interesting to see where we all are when it comes time for you to leave, in the meantime, enjoy your stay, smile often, and all the best to you.