Enjoying Solitude

It is good to be alone occasionally; to enjoy the quiet motion of the wind swaying a branch outside the window, or a just savoring moment where it is acceptable to be selfish with time.

Saturday was one of these days. I finished tutoring my students in the morning, hoping to God that they couldn't tell that I was exhausted from not sleeping well at all the night before. curled up in bed again, threw the covers over my head and dozed for an hour or so before finally getting dressed and having breakfast. By this time of course, it was already noon.

It is a strange feeling to be by myself again. For the past term, I spent every moment either at applied at work, madly trying to complete assignments from the online course, or out with friends. My schedule was packed and there was honestly not a moment of reprieve. The term before that? Studying at school, early mornings into the study room and late nights out. Every moment worried that perhaps I don't have what it takes to be in Waterloo Engineering. Perhaps... I should've accepted one of those other university offers years ago.

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And so, with a moment to myself, I caught up with my thoughts. Flash back to last weekend, picking up my ex from Toronto and driving her to Waterloo so that she could visit her best friend. Honestly, any sane guy wouldn't have done it. She was an ex, we haven't spoken in half a year, and we didn't last very long back then anyways. But I've missed our dynamic conversations and she wanted to see me again, so I agreed.

And such amazing conversations we had.

We spoke of our time together. Her perception of me, mine of her... our dreams, our goals, our shared interests.

And in the end, a hug... her head snuggled in that familiar place by my neck.

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Fast forward a few days, until I stopped at elswhere and paid another ex a visit. We haven't spoken in a long time, and were once best friends. Our friendship died when the relationship did years ago.

She caught me up with her life, told me about her new boyfriend who happens to be a Waterloo student too... and about how life is now that she was well on her way to accomplishing her goals.

She was always the bright one, amazingly brilliant in school and socially, always destroyed me in any class I dared to compete with her in (except English and anything that had to do with technology). But I was such a cocky little kid back in high school. Such a creep too.

I'm so excited for what she'll become. And it was even better to hear that she was excited for me too. We're still keeping our promises from our high school graduation. But how we've changed.

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Back to the present. Alone again. No one was home, so everything was silent. The guitar lay beside me, as recipes for dinner flashed across the computer screen.

Spending time on myself is the most assured investment. After all these years, I've realized how sad some people are. How useless it is to waste time trying to impress them. How stupid it is to chase after them.

I will only spend my resources on people with substance. People of value. People who will make a damn difference in this world or mine.

So for now, let me stay alone.

But please don't think I've abandoned you. No, I never abandon my friends. I keep my promises, and I'll be there when you need me. But for now, just a moment, I need this for myself.

Track: Scott Simmons - Umbrella (Cover)

Why didn't you?

Why don't you spend a moment, and explain to me why I shouldn't be angry
Why, we couldn't have talked this through back then
Why, you... of all people, only looked at surface appearances and never gave me a chance to explain.

I would've told you everything.
If only you've had told me that it was a problem.

You WERE everything to me. And I would've gladly changed for you. 

Why didn't you just talk to me?

It doesn't matter, if it's empty.

As we get older, we learn that words don't really mean anything. That, on the surface they may seem to express something, but that their contents may truly be lacking. Actions are the same too of course. If they carry nothing, or can't hold anything... then it's all meaningless, useless.

A lot of times, we say things that are like that. We randomly say something that may seem helpful, but in reality offers little in guidance. Or we say something that is hurtful, with no intention of doing so. We may do something in the same manner. In a way... I think this has desensitized us to words and actions.

If you're too sensitive, people don't like you too much and it's hard for you to fit in. Part of socializing is knowing when something is a "joke" and when something isn't. But what differentiates a teasing comment from an offensive one is sometimes difficult to define, and I think sometimes people just play it safe. In order to not start a commotion on something that may or may not be intended, we just take it as a joke. Our first reaction to a lot of serious matters are: "he/she can't be serious..." or "are you joking?"

So in the same way, our desensitized nature has caused us to not think much into the actions and words someone else may have to offer us. So what if, that little action or that little compliment was meant to carry something important? Like, affection, a little message of love, or a little warning about some impending danger?

Selfless actions go unnoticed. Subtle hints go by unawares.

Opportunities are missed. And what could've been the start of something new, fades into oblivion.

Track: Daniel D - The Truth

In Remembrance, 2009.

I can talk all I want, I can put pretty words in a row to inadequately express my appreciation.

For those who gave their lives, are giving, to a cause much greater than any single individual can hope for alone.

For those who took up arms when they were needed.

For those who realized that there are battles, other than their own, that need to be fought.

For your selfless sacrifices, the bravery that I can only dream of having, and for reminding us of duty and honour... Thank you.

I will not forget my term in Ottawa, working with the department that is in charge of procuring gear and equipment for our forces. They always spoke of them with pride, and worked hard to get them what they wanted, needed. I underestimated their devotion, until the day another one of the "boys" was lost in Afghanistan. They were silent. No professional banter, no playful jokes, no gleaming smiles. Just a solemn, empty face... eyes looking at the ground wherever they walked. In some way, they felt they had failed. That they had not done something, purchased something, provided something, that could've saved that soldier's life. I didn't understand what devotion was, until then.

I did not have a chance to pick up a poppy this year. I hope you'll all forgive me. But this boy will never forget the gravity of your accomplishments, nor waver as he strives to do his part. For those of you in the forces that I've had the privilege of meeting, thank you for treating me as one of your own, thank you for showing class, and thank you for showing me that you are some of the most human of any of us. The most emotional, logical, disciplined, and down to earth individuals I've truly met.

My Respect. Always.

God bless the Canadian Forces.

A Memorable Blip

The little things, the little blips along life... often over looked, often ignored, can really be so significant. This is precisely why I pay attention to the little things the most. The little things can give you away, can show what someone really feels, or make the difference between perfection and mediocrity.

The past few weeks has been interesting to say the least. A series of small events, little blips, has resulted in great changes in my life. I see the world differently now. I've grown a lot more.

It should be no secret now, that I've met the most interesting girl I've ever come across in person. She was different, from a world that was foreign to me, spontaneous, shy, beautiful, dangerous, adorable, a mixture of good and bad... carefully exhibited at just the right moments. Then, there was me. The typical nice guy. Gullible, naive, always too prompt to offer help, hoping for the very best... still clinging onto the idea that there was justice in this world... even though I'm well aware the world is anything but fair. I had many dreams for her and me. But, in the end, it was the same thing... from every girl I've had. Lies, lies, lies, mixed actions, serious moments that I didn't want to have... etc. I forgive a lot. Just not lies.

For a brief period of time, she was my everything. She changed me. I became different around her. I became... better. So as short as our encounter was, I'm grateful. I anticipate we'll go our separate ways now. I'll do well I'm sure. I hope she will too.

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Things are returning to normal. I'm back on my work out schedule, I'm reading again, I'm focusing myself at work once again and loving it. I've found a good place for me to break at the University. I've selected a concept for a marketable product. I figure that establishing myself should be my number one priority right now. Since only then can I take care of those I love.

A small but memorable blip in my life. Getting back to work, since I cannot afford to waste anymore time. Living for the moment like her was great for a while, but I have a future that I need to create.

I'm going to miss her a lot. But I'm happy with the choice she made, since I can't take care of her right now.

Track: Owl City - The Saltwater Room