Happy Holidays

I hope everyone has been having an excellent holiday season filled with memorable moments and lots of loved ones.

It has been a struggle to address the structural issues within my systems, so I thank the individuals who interact with me while I go through a transitional phase again. I also want to thank the people who have contributed significantly in revealing the shortcomings of my current models. I will fix this.

After taking the opportunity to speak to everyone, since it is rare for the entire family group to congregate together, Some doors have been opened, while others have been closed. It is good to be making some progress.

I've been spending a lot of time this week with good friends, close family members, and old acquaintances. We've spent extravagant amounts of money to entertain ourselves, and also resolved to spend nothing on card games, mahjong, and karaoke at home. I honestly prefer not spending any money at all. The moments we spend together, laughing, cuddling during a movie, makes it all so much more worthwhile than a fancy restaurant or trips to a resort.

I've learned a lot this holiday season. Learned a lot about keeping the people I trust and love, even closer.

Exams.

"To everyone that's constantly saying fml and feeling sorry for themselves during exam times (myself included), look at this picture and stop whining." - Kev

Let's do this.

ahhhhhhhhhhh

Studying sucks. Really really sucks.
Why couldn't I just have photographic memory?

I'd do so much with photographic memory.
Like I'd never need to re-open a textbook again.
Or forget another person's name.
And I could serve as the perfect witness on trials!

Wait, all of a sudden it doesn't sound so glamorous anymore.
It doesn't take that much effort to re-open a book or remember a person's name.

Nevermind!

Storm

I'll be honest about this, because there's no shame in revealing it.
A storm is brewing just off in the distance, and I will have to deal with it soon.
I am concerned, nervous but excited.

Concerned that I might waver in my confidence.
Nervous in that I might fail where I cannot afford to.
Excited in knowing that success means everything.

I don't want to face this alone though, because I've seen the power of having others
carrying the burden together and pulling the other across the finish.

So I'm looking really hard for that someone.
Who feels the drive like me or more.
Who burns with excitement and energy.

But then I realized that everyone is searching...
for something that very few will find.

Our Arenas.

It's imperative that we realize the value of even the most intangible of items.
Recognize the fragility of our existence; the thread which holds our assertions true.
Only through this can we perceive the world correctly
with meekness, humility, and appreciation.

At times it feels like there is so much we must carry.
The burdens that comes with age and circumstances.
We all fight our battles, our own arenas.
We all face the monsters that haunt our nightmares and threaten our dreams.

It doesn't matter how we appear on the surface.
Confident or doubtful, showing joy or anguish;
We're all warriors here, courageous as needed for our battles, wise from our previous experiences.

We're never truly alone, yet never fully understood.
All these contradictions that make up life.
How does it work?
How does it all equate?

Perhaps we are all pursuing the solutions in some form or another,
In which case, never embark on this journey alone.

Because perhaps it takes a contradiction to answer one.
A personal question, answered by the efforts of many.

hm.

Maybe I should stay back a term. Take more classes, get that management science option patched onto my paper. Learn a little more, do a little more around school.

It'll give me more time to develop my product, allow me to have more time to troubleshoot before bringing it to market. Or at least try to open more doors in my life. Perhaps one will be so suitable, I won't hesitate like I am now.

I can still do my gmat... I can still be around my friends... I can still help out with my family business.

This option needs more thought.

Revival

So it looks like a small team is trying to revive our old initiative.

Best of luck to you all.

I hope you found the old files I sent you of use, and my apologies for not being a part of it all again. After all these years, with so many disappointments, I don't think I could handle another year in something that gives me so little return.

Stay alive this time and make it Epic.

Treading Carefully

The more I see, the more I realize I'll miss.
The people, the laughter, the wild nights, the struggles... even the conflicts.
The access to laboratories, to machine shops, and knowledgable professors.

I need these aspects in my life. Four years of this has made me accustomed to it.
It's affecting my future plans.

In all honesty, I shouldn't be considering more studies... but I am because I need the resources schools offer. I need the school labs, because where else can I get my tests run? I need the school machine shop, because where else will I have the tools to design and build the prototypes I've been hoping to put together?

And where else would I go, other than Waterloo? Where there is a intellectual property policy that is friendly towards their creators.

So I'm considering staying in Waterloo to do a MEng....

But I need to tread very carefully. This is what happens a lot with me. Romanticizing and daydreaming about what could be.

... It'll be interesting to see where I end up next year...

Don't tell me.

"You can't do that"

If said as a warning: that I'm crossing some line,
that I'm partaking in the creation of pain,
that there are things which should be sacred,
that the world might end.

Then I understand and will take that into account before engaging in my action.

If said as a measure of my ability: that I lack the capacity,
that I wouldn't have the heart to see it through,
that the passion doesn't simmer in my veins,
that my efforts will inevitably fade into oblivion.

Then understand that I will proceed with even more vigor and dedication, for I will not rest until the task is completed. Until success is realized.

And it will be.

Just like the last time and the time before.

Sunday Musings

Life is always such a clutter of just about everything. We dedicate so much time trying to pick and sort out things that are worthwhile to us. We spend hours reading reviews and asking friends, just so we can pick out a product that every manufacturer seems to have. We date different sorts of people in hopes that we'll discover "our type." We sit at a desk, frantically pounding our heads, trying to determine which chapters of a textbook would likely contain materials from the midterm.

This in itself isn't a major issue. Most people would just dismiss it as part of life. It's how things have been since grade school, when mom and dad started to slowly release their grip on our lives ever so slightly. But really, I'd rather not spend so much time trying to choose something, but rather spend that time enjoying or working on what I end up selecting.

Since hindsight is always perfect, I suppose it is easy for us to look back and say that it's obvious what we should've done in the past. But me being me, I'm wondering if there is something to give us a bit of foresight to this situation. You know, to speed up the process, to de-clutter, to--God forbid, do the engineer thing--optimize the situation.

But this brings me to a cross road. As far as I can tell, you can live life two ways here. In one manner, I believe that getting to know oneself would help make apparent the correct options in life. But the trip inwards is always a difficult and long one, which might possibly take up more time than if one were to do the conventional method of reasoning things out. As a result, maybe it is better to just pick and choose any option. If we assume that dedication to any option would mean success; although there will likely be some that require less dedication than others... then wouldn't this be a better model to follow? But even here there is a problem. The level of dedication required for any option is more or less what people use to quantify desirable choices. After all, we'd like to get the most return for the least amount of work; whether that return is in the form of money, fame, or personal motives.

So it seems we're running in circles here. You can analyze yourself, but that takes up resources. You can just pick something, but that risks you making a choice on something that takes up more resources.

But I suppose, you only need to analyze yourself once right? Once it has been established who you are, then you can apply that to all subsequent cross roads; saving you time that you would've spent trying to figure things out, or attempting to stick with a spontaneous choice. In the long run, perhaps that'll mean that it's worth it. Or perhaps it won't work, because people change... you'll change, and you'll need to reanalyze yourself again. In this manner, the model only becomes advantageous if the intervals between reanalysis are great enough so as to result in more time saving than lost.

So what is one to do in this case? Most likely there isn't a single solution that I can apply. If anything, everything in life is a spectrum and solutions need to be tailored individually, or simplified collections of them. Hm. Just more things to think about when I have more free time, or perhaps I'll put some of these to the test and see which one works better.

I love how my life is just one big experiment to me. It's both fascinating and frustrating to be the experimenter and subject at the same time.

All Systems Go

All I had to do was stop taking the meds.
I feel so much better today, got a lot of work done
and just about fractured my wrist and ankle breakdancing
but it's all good.

I'm myself again. Let's kick ass and catch up on the backlog.

Meds

A little too heavy on the meds this week.
I usually get sick around this time of year, so it wasn't unexpected.
But this one is a little more finicky, since it's making me feel worse than usual.

I was ahead on everything, but I've spent so much time sleeping this week
in a drug induced haze, that I've fallen behind.

I can't believe I missed a team meeting with a professor this morning.
Nor, that I left a lab report to do on the day it was due.

A stupid flock of geese wouldn't get out of my way as I was turning into the parking lot.

I breakdanced in jeans, probably not the best idea.

And I've got a back log of work to complete outside of school.

---

I should've brought my guitar here instead of the violin.
The violin is an instrument for me when I'm happy and content.
A guitar is for when I'm down and frustrated.

A violin needs lots of attention and a quiet room to play in.
A guitar only needs your fingers.

I need my guitar, so that I can sit in the dark, lean up against the wall, strum an unknown melody, and fill the voids with lyrics to clear my mind.

I gotta get off these meds. Ugh.

:D

Three days of researching, planning, trips to the computer store, putting parts together, installing, patching, tweaking, and finally...I have a fully working and stable Mac made from everyday components.

I figured after so many years of doing basic I.T. support for so many organizations, and having tinkered around with computers since I was 13, I could do this. But why let my first time be merely a PC? No, let's build a Mac. Just because this is the challenge I wanted.

A few heart wrenching moments, such as when the system didn't even boot up at first. For a moment, causing me to wonder if I should've followed some manuals after all, instead of wasting $300 worth of components. Having to redo all my patches twice since a few of them went wonky and killed the system... but it works now.

Oh this feeling. It's awesome.

This is quite possibly the dorkiest thing I've ever done in my life.

Easy

This time it was easy to let you go.
No nights of anguish, wondering why I wasn't holding you.
No inexplicable stabbing in the chest, even whilst I forced a smile.

Just this.
You, in my arms; our conversations, our hands intertwined with each other.
A pause, your gaze; and I knew.

Curious how we communicated that.
That we were finished.

Oh, we knew this wasn't exclusive to begin with.
We knew that this would end someday soon.

But this was perfect.
No pain, no sorrow, no frustration.
Just you in my arms, a kiss on the cheek, and one last embrace.

This is how we should've done it the first time.

Goodbye again. I hope he treats you well.
Meanwhile, I look forward to the one who'll take your place someday.

Rays of Closure

This is good. She laid her head on my chest, while I held her. We spoke, we wondered, we planned. We interrupted our thoughts with youtube videos that brought hysterical laughter, all the while I cradled her. She closed her eyes, and said how comfortable she was, how safe she felt, and how sleep tempted her. A kiss on her forehead, and I knew that we were gently putting each other down. This was what I needed, something to close our tumultuous relationship of the past 2 years. It's been on and off, her... popping into my life every few months with some new problem, and me trying to fix it all for her. I didn't get to see her all this time though, nor did I have a wish to.

At the end of the day, she pulled me close with a little smile, and asked what I wanted for the night. I chose a friendly kiss on the cheek; and that was how things ended. Our relationship moving slowly back to platonic.

It's for the best, I'd prefer a relationship with a bit more commitment. But priorities! Lets finish school first :)

:)

I know I make it seem like I don't give a shit,
But I just wanted the rest of the world to know
That I love spending time with you.

This Game

I know what you're doing. You're smart. Smarter than me in ways I can't even measure, but I know this game you're playing.

It's only fair I guess, since I didn't believe you when you said that you loved me, to tell me that you don't believe me when I whispered that I've missed you.

But which is more likely to be false?
That you loved me, the boy who couldn't help you, the boy who you barely spoke to after we parted.
Or that I missed you? Missed the girl who was so many firsts, who saw the world in such an amazing manner, and on so many levels, had qualities that I wished I had?

I refuse to play this game with you for much longer. This is my senior year, I have a family business to take care of, I'm trying to launch myself into the world, and I need a stable relationship. Not this shit that you're giving me right now.

I've missed this

Your hair in my face, arms wrapped around each other tight.
Us, rolling around together. The way you look at me when I'm covering you.
Just the two of us, trusting each other entirely, tightly wound with each other.

The four walls of your room, covered in drawings and poetry that you've left at different points of your life. Your clothes, always still on the bed, as we play fight and taste each other's lips.

I've missed this feeling, this intimacy. Thank you for bringing it all back to me; even though this won't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

And as we part ways again, good luck, take care, and always remember the chorus to our song; that we've uttered in between breathes to each other.

Lessons Learned

I've learned a great deal up here.

I've learned that you can be as polite and reasonable as possible, but sometimes, people will still look for a fight.
I've learned that you shouldn't take disrespect from anyone, but sometimes it's just a person's way of testing your worthiness.
I've learned to be away from home for a long duration of time. It hurt at first, especially when communications were down, but I've built a home where I am.
I've learned that the dark coloured rocks are in fact covered with a lichen that takes 20 years to grow.
I've learned how to be happy with little things, and be alone.

I've learned how to be stronger and better, at life.

---

The first few weeks were a little rough. So many things went wrong, and I made so many mistakes. But, it's always comforting to know that under immense pressure, you didn't break. You may have cracked, but the important thing is that you held steady; and now you're emerging as a different individual. At one point, I regretted coming up here; but now I've found exactly what I was looking for. Finally!

The Ocean

We hiked out to the ocean today, and spent half an hour or so just playing around. We whipped rocks into the crashing waves, and ran out as far as we dared on the outcrops before a spray of water would push us back. Just five guys, being stupid and trying to entertain ourselves in a place of nothing. But hey, we're five guys being stupid by the Arctic ocean. Probably the only beacon of stupidity for miles around.

Things I miss the most up here? Movies, pocky snacks, stable internet conditions, and of course my friends. I'm coping though. After all, got to drive the truck today.

It was pretty straightforward, but being me... I used turning signals, and got laughed at.

The inuit are, like, super gangster and rocking it out with their hoodies and stuff. I actually like talking to them, since I'm dressed in a hoodie usually and fit in pretty well. These are my homies now, because ya, you know... I was totally street back in Sauga.

But really, I'm hoping this term passes by quickly. I just want to collect my pay, move back to Loo, since I can focus on my personal projects then. Things are slow right now, so to keep myself sane, I've been planning a lot of creative photo shoots. I need to get some creative shots for my portfolio, and then do a few portraits, but those are rather simple.

That's all for now! It's pretty damn cold up here nowadays.

Restart

I haven't been myself lately. I don't like how thinking about you messes me up like this.

Let's pause, reset, and start anew.

Workout schedule restarted, back to organizing the conference, and getting fourth year project preparations done. Might have some model shoots when I get back home, definitely need to reorganize everything and upgrade the gear.

There, I'm feeling better already.

A reminder:

"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because  you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go." -xkcd

This is all I need

All I need is the camera in my hands, a tripod slung across my back, and I can be happy.

Things are a little slow right now, since we have a lot of mechanical breakdowns and are low on fuel. This is why I've been blogging a little more, and perhaps thinking a little too much. The lab has been organized, I've been taken out on site tours many times now, and have hung out with the supervisors after hours. I've worked with the engineer on site, and he's been great at teaching me about what he does. From him, I'm realizing that consulting jobs would be quite a good fit for me; so I may be approaching one of the firms when I graduate. But so much is in the air about the future now, I'll just take what comes and deal with it then (Que sera sera right?).

At least I don't need to be worried that I won't have any doors to walk through. I've worked hard to set the foundation, and I'm confident that I'll be good for jobs and such later on. I've received an acceptance letter for one of the conferences I wanted to attend, so it looks like I'll be travelling to Calgary in October to attend it. Hopefully I can establish a lot of good networks there.

I haven't been sleeping well here, and perhaps because of that I had a dream with a friend in it. She had dreamt about me earlier too, so I found it amusingly coincidental. All the same, the dream has been bothering me a bit.

Other than that, it's been great here. People aren't as social on this site, and it isn't quite as exciting; but work will occupy most of my time soon, and I'm looking forward to that. A barge is being loaded with an urgent load of fuel as we speak and should arrive here in a week or so. Planes are also coming in tomorrow to drop off some gear to set up bear deterrents.

This month is going to be interesting. I'm actually half wishing that it was over already just because I'd like to start and finish up school as soon as possible. The future is bright (: and I think I'm ready to make my mark in it.

You Could Be the One

Those words have been recited repeatedly with masked intentions.

Most times, they carry nothing but empty flattery, but sometimes they are the lining of admiration.

It tends to be like this. An initial contact, a meeting of eyes, an awkward introduction.

We share stories of our adventures, you tell me where your feet have taken you; and what your eyes have tasted; I do likewise.

I marvel at your life, and you do mine. 

The words are uttered. Conveying our excitement for the beckoning future. 

And then we part, perhaps never crossing paths again.

People will do this often, speaking of your adventures and marvelling at where your feet have taken you. They say how fulfilling your life will be, how dynamic your experiences make you, and how beautiful of a being you are becoming.

But every time someone says that to me, it is like a needle stabbing. Because you wonder, if your life is truly so amazing, then why hasn't the other consider being a part of it? 

If you see something you like, don't hesitate to reach for it, or to let it know that you want to be a part of it. Because potentially, you could be the one that life has been waiting for. Realize that it isn't all the praise that you've wanted to hear, but the words, "can I come with?" that says louder than anything, that your life is good.

This Path Splits Many Ways

To you: I don't want to pretend that I have all the answers, because I don't. I just hope you'll come out of the dark place you're in now, and see the light again.


Four-way crossings, forks in the road, a "t" intersection; so many of these dot the paths we walk.
They taunt relentlessly, knowing that we can only go one way.
By our age, we're all intimately familiar with them already,
and know how it feels to wonder what things would've been.

This is most prevalent when we consider potentially life-altering events.
We think about our post-secondary decisions. "Was it the right program? Right school?"
We wonder about our job prospects. "What if I had accepted this offer and declined that one?"
We dream about the possible lovers. "Should I have kissed her earlier? Would things be different?"

But realize that every moment is life-altering. Anything, anywhere, changes the face of the earth; and the existence of every moment is fleeting. Will you concern yourself with ever micro-aspect of life? Will you allow worry and anxiety to overcome you with paralysis?

This is the adventure we embark on. A world that we cannot fully control, with forces that play cards for and against. This is a place where you should trust that the right road is the one you're walking on now, and where you can believe in yourself when the moment calls. This is life.

So it doesn't matter what you've done, stop regretting everything, since here you are...the cumulation of every good and bad event.

The important thing is, you are here.

Unplanned Week at Home

*Rant warning*

I wasn't expecting to be back here so soon, among family, among friends. It feels strange to return to the patterns of day and night; to not be excited by any noise that cuts through the silence, or waking up obscenely early in the morning to work.

In fact, if I pause for a moment and consider, I'd find that I really haven't been home for a while. I didn't leave Waterloo much last term, and I left for Kingston straight from the conference there. I've spent more time in Ottawa this term than at home. I haven't kept in touch with my acquaintances, haven't really maintained my networks; all because I wanted to get away from it all.

Home. So much has changed, and everything is in need of repair. My networks have all frayed here. It's like lifting up a puppet string, only to find that nothing is attached at the other end. People have moved on with their lives, out of mine. The first thing that greeted me, my old trusty computer. I've kept it alive, even after most of the components ceased to work following a power surge, by scrounging up parts and making workarounds. It whirled to life, ran beautifully for around six minutes, then shut off without warning. It wouldn't wake again, and I don't have the heart anymore to fix it again.

We had a good run, but I've learned to let things go now. But even as I write this, I know that it is all a lie. It has always been this way with me and computers, as well as people. If I can breathe more life into you, I will. It won't be long before I have it up and running again for some purpose.

The car needed to go in for repairs, and it is going to cost me $700 to fix a broken railing for one of the seats. Do me a favor next time, guests, please don't touch anything in my car. Don't scratch the front dash by swiping the zipper of your bag against it, don't puncture the leather because a pen is sticking out of your back pocket, just don't do anything stupid okay? I take care of my things, which is why I go extra and spend on luxury items. If I didn't care, I would've bought a beater. If you ride with me, have some class.

The driveway also needed repairs, and things at work had to be done. Basically, a lot of manual labor; but I didn't mind, since it builds character and the mindless activity lets me think. I've come out for the most of this week sweaty and covered in mud or dust; but God it feels nice to get dirty once in a while.

Lastly, little sis. Thank you for calling and meeting up with me. I had begun to think that I had been forgotten, and I've missed you very much. No, I don't have someone special in my life at the moment. Yes, I wouldn't mind one; but it's difficult to find someone who appreciates you just as much as you do them. You've always made good relationships look easy to come by... perhaps share some tips with your big bro?

Slow Things Down

Speed makes things exhilarating. The blur of lights and colours as you pass them by; the noises that dim into the distance; the landmarks ahead that rush towards you. But then the high disappears, and you realize you position. You're missing so much on your way. You're stepping into holes you never meant to be near. You start swerving, and realizing that the exhilaration is based on the premise that you are utterly, and gloriously, on the edge of losing all control.

So, let's slow things down a bit. 

I've been making too many mistakes lately. Not paying attention to details enough, and judging too quickly. I'm jumping to conclusions and putting a lot of important things in jeopardy. So slow down and do things right the first time. Too much spontaneity can be a bad thing.

I listen to people, I analyze, and I think. I know I still have lots of room to grow and improve. Believe me, I'm working on all of it.

Musings for the day

It is getting late for the day before a workday, and I should be sound asleep. As I don't seem to be able to settle down, I'm recapping on the day.

I woke up at my usual time, even with the alarm turned off. It was too early for a Sunday morning, so I stayed in bed, gazing up at the bare roof. I'm tired of waiting to get deployed at work. I just want to be out of Kingston now. It isn't that this city is unenjoyable, it's simply knowing that another intriguing adventure awaits. The tasks I'm doing are also not very inspiring anymore, my work with the professor has hit a number of setbacks, and I am not looking forward to convincing her to lower some of her requirements for me to finish things on time. Even if she does, I'm not sure how things'll go. Tomorrow, when I can pull some of the samples out and analyze them, will tell.

I cleaned the room a bit, picking up garbage, folding some clothes, washing some dishes. The room was cleaner, but still messy. I didn't want to look at everything anymore, so I picked up the violin and left for the Queen's campus. I need to bring the instrument in to get some upgrades. It needs new pegs, and new strings probably wouldn't be amiss. I've played it a lot recently, and am finally able to play some songs; albiet poorly. It is truly an instrument I enjoy though, as practice is more a delight than anything.

I parked the car on the Queen's campus, which was relatively empty, grabbed my gear and headed to the music building. It was... locked for the weekend unfortunately, something I'm not used to in Waterloo. As I had planned on jogging after practice anyways, I threw my violin back in the car and ran for the first time in months.

It was liberating.

Running through campus, I jumped every railing I deemed safe, leapt on and over every concrete block... remembering the days I tried to parkor. My first ipod, complete with a playlist from first year, played tunes to keep me going. I had recently found the ipod nano, squashed in the bottom of a box full of a myriad of items. As old as the songs were on it, and as poor the playlist selection was, it felt good to listen to them again.

I ran through parks, and in between buildings. Saw people on picnics, playing tennis, practicing kendo, skateboarding, and couples sitting underneath trees. Around another bend was the lake, and so I had the chance to fulfil a daydream I once had in grade twelve, imagining what life at Queen's would've been like... if I had come. Sweat, strain, and desperate breaths; what an amazing feeling. It was truly good to be running again.

So, a childhood daydream brought to reality. Not a bad way to spend the day I suppose, although it didn't lead to some revolution or life altering event; it did make me feel somewhat fulfilled. It isn't everyday that you get a chance to take a peak down "the other path", especially when you've already walked so far on the one you've chosen.

There seems to be so much I need to work on still.

Slow Day

It has been a particularly slow week at work. All preparations for the Arctic are made for already, some people have departed and all of our training is complete. You know that there is nothing to do when your boss comes to you and and asks if he can do something for you because he's bored. This is how it feels to be on standby.

Sitting outside on the steps of our trailer, taking in the moist air, looking up at the dark sky. Bits of light filtering through thin portions of cloud, a book in my hand. Raindrops started to fall, first as a mist, then as a torrent.

So here I am, having moved into the trailer, looking out the windows and doors at the weather outside. Munching on carrot sticks, it was the only sound apart from the rain striking glass and metal.

Idle hands, but not an idle mind; that's how I am of course. Thinking, constantly thinking, planning and analyzing. Sometimes I wonder if it's all too much. I put a lot of thought into everything I do, I become infinitely familiar with every situation, run simulations before executing a specific course of action... applying engineering principles to my life.

But perhaps I shouldn't do that. I'm just thinking about how conflicting it is to be analytical and genuine. Something I've strive to be all the time. If I were to say that true genuineness comes from spontaneity, then being analytical would be precisely detrimental to efforts to being the former.

For example, could you imagine being in a situation with a significant other. On the dock, cuddled up on a towel. A warm day, wine, snacks, the gentle rocking of the waves... a sunset. You exchange timid smiles as you nuzzle each other. The breath of the other on your cheek, lips centimeters apart. Then, running through your mind: "What if I kissed her now? How should I kiss her? Tongue or no tongue?" What a disastrous thing to do in the moment.

I used to have this perfect balance. I need to find it again.

Relics that never leave you

Slowly, I'm returning to my observer phase; being quiet, simply analyzing the situation and trying to make sense of the world. People have noticed of course, a few have asked if I'm okay or if I feel ill. I manage a smile to these inquiries usually and assure them I'm fine. But perhaps everyone is beginning to understand now. Instead of asking, the coworkers come by and check up on me in the form of light taps to the shoulder, pokes, and playful bumps when we walk; as if to remind me that I'm in a position to participate, not observe. But I'm tired guys, I need a break.

I've just been a little troubled lately. The last two nights, I've been dreaming about my ex; which is strange because I've never done so before, and I am not one to remember my dreams usually. It was certainly on my mind today as I was doing some PCB analysis practice runs. Usually test tubes and chemical reactions interest me, but I wasn't really focused, wondering about the origins of those strong emotions we all tend to feel in memorable dreams. After all, I haven't really thought about her for a while, so why these feelings trouble me so much is a mystery.

Things don't end there. A different ex messaged me, something about tickets for wine tasting that she would love me to accompany her to. I guess it's nice to have someone remind you that they still remember you even when you've pushed them out of your life. She finds ways to communicate once every few months, usually to tell me how special of a guy I am. Just in case anyone thinks that she intends to get back together, I'll tell you now that you're wrong. We knew that we were just a summer romance, and even now we are too different to go anywhere for long. She doesn't know that I've changed too. She still thinks I'm that perfect gentleman who wears dress shirts all the time, smiles whenever I see her, and abstained from everything just to make a point. That guy is still here, but he didn't work once, didn't work another time with another girl, and probably won't be seen again until I find someone who can handle him.

Some things of the past just never leave you. They are a part of you now, so run as you might, you can't exactly run from your own shadow.

If I put life simply nowadays, it's this:

Decide how you want to live your life, whether you want happiness or fulfillment. They are two very separate things and require you to take opposing paths. The nice thing is, attaining one leads to the discovery of the other.

Quantity or quality. You can have many or can have one great one. With many, you can satiate your hunger at any moment, but you will never know what it means to truly be fully satisfied. You'll never know what 100% looks like.

You can make the "broad" your world, or the "narrow". You can look at yourself as an individual who can change the fate of the planet and the future of civilization on a grand scale, or you can see only your immediate surroundings. Your world may simply be your significant other and the love you have for each other. Forget the rest of the world, it's not immediately relevant.

Then, you choose your legacy. You may choose something material, like a company or career; or perhaps something else... like family. But choose, because very few of us can have both.

...


Choices. It would be so much easier if I had someone intelligent to talk to again.

Don't Forget

A note to myself, because I feel that a change is on the horizon.

Don't forget who you are. Ever.
You're the boy who's sometimes quiet, sometimes noisy.
The one that strives to appreciate the little things in life
and toils to be someone who is of value.
You enjoy sappy romance, quiet walks in the park, slow dancing with her, and kissing in the rain.
But you also like being free and honest about your emotions.
Nibbling her ear, holding her waist, cuddling at night, play fighting, having some arguments and making up later.


You always do what is right, with the right intentions, simply because it is the right thing to do.
Always consider the physical impacts of your actions, as well as the mental and spiritual.
Manners and class are not recognized by everyone, but will be by those who matter.
You dream big... smile lots... please don't let the world take those away.


You've realized the value of family and friends. Understands why your family structure is so strange,
why your friends need to be screened carefully because of that.
There are reasons why you have certain expectations for her.
You want to be with someone who inspires you, and you the same for her.
You want someone who is passionate, beautiful, and intelligent.
And you try hard to be someone similar to match.


Don't forget that your dynamic personality is what makes you special... even if it's what you think is keeping you alone.


Don't forget that right now, you're only 21. You've done plenty more than others of your age, regardless of what they may say. You've extended your reach, and opened numerous doors.


You're dead serious when dealing with problems, but silly and playful at other times.
When needed, you're there. You are the solution to many problems.
And do what you can to make every situation better than when you found it.


So as you venture out into the world, and the forces of the world throw you left and right. Whether you take on your place in the family establishments, meet people of all walks of life, and play a greater role on the global stage... Don't lose what are your best qualities. This is a reminder to you, a snapshot, of what you love best about yourself on June 4, 2010 at 3:27PM.


Use your sails to propel you to your destinations, don't allow them to flutter in the wind and blow you off your course.

Sightseeing

They weren't stars, but they twinkled anyway. We didn't see any streaks across the sky, but you still made a wish. That's what I loved about you. Always able to make the best of the situation, never faltering in your faith that everything was as it should be.

I enjoy traveling for no other reason than to see how the world works. Tourist sites don't really intrigue me, it is how people live... how they survive against the odds that captures my attention. But sometimes, it's also how the world lives without people. From seeing the struggles of people in the slums, to how life in a desolate field can flourish; it all reminds me of one thing: that life is truly valuable.

It puts things in perspective for me.

In another year, after graduation... I expect myself to be traveling profusely. I pondered about graduate school, about going right into the work force, but I have an opportunity that very few have. I figure that it would be a pity not to take advantage of the cards I've been dealt, so it is likely that I won't be spending much time on this continent anymore.

I'll constantly be moving again, never stopping. I had thought that after graduating I could take root somewhere and develop my personal life. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say goodbye to most of my friends because of this choice. I hope that somewhere along the way, I'll meet someone... who is just like me.

To the stranger whom I hope to meet in the future: take care of yourself until then.

Hiatus

Going on an undefined hiatus from Blogger. Partially to protest their policy of removing music blogs without allowing users to retrieve or copy the hard work they've put into their entries, and partially because there is nothing here that I can't do in Xanga... which has a much more receptive community.

Toodles. It's been fun.

No More.

Alright, no more fun and games. Time to make some hard choices.

No turning back.

No one can make these decisions for me.

I know what my priorities are, so this should be easy.

But it isn't.

Everywhere's Different

 "You know as well as I do that the light in Barcelona is quite different from the light in Tokyo. And, the light in Tokyo is different from that in Prague. A truly great structure, one that is meant to stand the tests of time never disregards its environment. A serious architect takes that into account. He knows that if he wants presence, he must consult with nature. He must be captivated by the light. Always the light. Always." - The Lake House (2006)

Time is fleeting, and so does my ability to track what is going on it seems. Such is the speed at which events are unfolding. Tasks are appearing far more frequently than I am able to complete them, and so I'm focusing myself to try and tackle this backlog.

It's exhilarating. The sort of feeling you get when you're flying down tracks, your progress decided by something other than yourself, moving so fast that everything is a blue... there's excitement in relinquishing control.

But one should never dwell in that phase for too long, because when it comes down to it, you still need to be responsive and reactive to nature.

So co-op apps are in and interviews have already begun. With it, I can't help but wonder where I'll be in 4 months time. Will I be back in Ottawa? Exploring the lively and classy city on my own again? Walking down large empty hallways in the museums, beckoned on by the promise of insight?

Or perhaps I'll be in New Zealand? Yes, I applied to Jeff's job at Trimble. Maybe I'll get to see a country that had captivated me with its abundance of geothermal energy and sheep.

How about London, ON? The one school that I applied for in high school but never visited? A city that has its very own version of the Thames?

Washington D.C.? (Or nearby?). I wonder how different the American corporate culture is? Would I get a chance to explore the heritage of this country that I have, for the most part, ignored?

So many possibilities, so hard to decide. Everywhere is different, everywhere, the light is special. I haven't even considered the differences in the positions yet, and already... I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't really matter.

I'll be happy anywhere. Since I'm different now too. I've learned to be on my own, and I'm realizing that the people I admire the most don't hold themselves back in any way. They give their very best all the time, demand the same of others, and treat new frontiers with such enthusiasm that I hope to emulate.

----

Brave new world. Let's see what you've got in store for me.

I Understand

Believe me, when I say that I understand you.
When you tell me, complete with droplets from your eyes.
How all you've ever wanted was someone to
want you as much as you've wanted them,
need you as much as you've needed them.

Because this way you'll know what you have is forever.
And not just a fantasy used to fill up that gaping empty hole
in your heart.

Dreams and a Year

 Clifton Hill, last visit to the falls before moving

Already, the past term seems like a dream. Those nights with Sae. Those nights with the coworkers at the bar. Those nights out with Lucia. I vaguely recall saying goodbye to the Brock University campus, walking slowly down the halls, running my hands against the walls. It may seem strange to some, why I would do this when it isn't my school. But the truth is, I've been there before. My church used to have retreats there, so when I was a little boy, I used to run around the campus. I fell in love for the first time with a girl during one of those retreats, and spent much time exploring the buildings with her. So, you see? The school had a special meaning to me. I did not expect to be back again, so many years down the road.

I'm grateful for everything that has happened this term. The goods, the bads, I take it all with gratitude. That's what it means to be alive right? I've been able to give the best of me, for a brief moment. I was able to experience that ease... when two compatible individuals meet and spend time together; and oh, that amazing feeling of knowing that the other person is thinking the exact same thing as you.

The year ended off with many kisses, many hugs, many secrets whispered in my ears, and snuggles. And the new year found me lying on the top of a mountain slope, looking up at the sky as the snowflakes fell down on me, the village all lit up below me.

2009. What a year.

I can't believe I'm turning 21 in a few days. God, I'm an old geezer.

Track - Backseat Goodbye - Technicolor Eyes