Circle of Life

Ferris wheels always depress me for some reason. No, I've never ridden one before, but it's one of those things that I see as a representation of the cyclical nature of life. You go up, and the view is great for a while, but then you come back down again. You start low, reach a peak, and have to return to the lows again before you can get off.

Like: growing up, establishing yourself, getting old and rotting... before moving on. It's the circle of life, just not as poetic as Disney would have put it. Well, circle in the sense that the ride is circular. Whether or not you make another circular trip is another story.

Niagara is a beautiful city. The lights, the noises, the beauty, the winding roads...oh they're amazing. I'm thankful for all the experiences this term. For the people I've met, for the laughs, frustrations and tears. I've continued to grow.

I guess that's what I have to do. Set my focus on the future right? I haven't hit the peak yet, and I want to make sure that peak is as high as possible so that the coming down part is just as breathtaking as the going up part of the ride. I've pretty much decided that I'll try really hard to get that job at CRA next term, since that's the engineering firm I'd like to have a contract from after I graduate. They're a good company, I'd learn a lot from them, and would have the opportunity to travel between their many office locations all over North America. Or perhaps SNC Lavalin. But that'll be a toughie. Maybe I'll be able to schedule everything so that I'll have four months to complete Reservist training.

Maybe I'll continue with grad school. Maybe I'll return to the federal government. Maybe I'll settle down somewhere with someone.

So many maybes. I've been taking every opportunity to speak to older people. My boss, my boss's boss, Canada's senior scientist on urban water and infrastructure whom I met this week...etc. If there is anything I got from the mixed responses, is that no one really honestly knows how they got to where they are today. They can rationalize and come up with a logical explanation, but when it comes down to it, they've got nothing. Their 20 year old self was every bit as lost and confused as every other 20 year old, regardless of how they tried to act otherwise.

And so, I'm torn between planning for the future and living in the moment. What good is planning for the future if it is no use? What good is waiting and holding back on moments for some other moment that could happen? Why not just party hard now, and play?

For example, there was really no reason why I've held back so many experiences from my past relationships. A friend had once told me how disappointed she was... that her boyfriend, who she thinks is the one, and her will have no real memorable "first" experience. I didn't remind her that marriage would probably count, but I know what she meant. First kisses, first time sleeping with someone of the opposite gender, first relationships... all mean that no matter what you'll be remembered. That you're special. And I guess I wanted to make sure each of the girls that shared their lives with me would have a first too.

But for all my planning, that's probably the stupidest thing ever. I don't know how many girls I'll have. I don't know when I'll ever finally meet someone that fits me well, will stay with me, and wants to be a part of my life. So that's it I guess. No more holding back.

Track: Paramore - Playing God

My Sunshine Turn to Rain

Everything's a two way street. For the longest time, it wouldn't matter to me. I'd do things regardless of return. But now, this is how it's gonna be. I've worked hard all these years, I know that my talents are worth something now. When strangers begin to raise their eyebrows at my work and offer me contracts, I know it's time to stop working for free.

So that's how it'll be. Two way streets. Meet me halfway, and we'll be good. Otherwise, no more freebies, stay out of my life. I neither have the time nor patience for those who try to take advantage of me anymore.

---

St. Catherines was my reprieve for a while. A chance to get away from all the dramas and watchful eyes of my parents, a chance to feel refreshed. When things started getting complicated here, I found refuge in work. Having something to focus on truly helped.

That was until a coworker fell for me, and I told her it'd never work. Then ensued weeks of emails back and forth, conversations in person, frustrated words. I... don't want another long distance relationship. And I actually dislike her character, but put up with it in our professional setting. So what she fell for was an act, or her own fantasy.

I'm also aware of the underlying drama's that float around within the office. I'm thankfully not involved in any of it since I've been told that everyone loves me and that my reputation around the office is the constantly enthusiastic, well dressed, and helpful Chinese Waterloo student.

Then there was the coworker I've been helping for the past few days. I enjoyed the field work he got me to do, and loved racing around fields and lagoons on the six-wheeled gator, but he's a broken man too. My sunshine always turns to rain after being with him for a while. He lost his son to a lung infection a few years ago. His son would've been my age now. He's also extremely considerate and helpful, and it is easy to see that he gets taken advantage of. He constantly says things that brings up my supposed "girlfriend" (I never told him I didn't have one, nor gave any hints to imply that I did have one). Stuff like, "oh this is a good place to take your girl, she'd love it". Or like, "work that pump harder, pretend your jerking off, oh for the love of God, think of your girlfriend."

I actually can't wait to be back in Loo. 2 more months. I love my job. But I miss my little sister, and the only time I'll see her is then.

Anyways, I can feel myself getting antisocial again. I do this every time I become an emotional mess. Shouldn't even be getting so worked up about all this crap, don't know why it all bothers me so much. I just want to be alone for a while.

Run Away

You know how when you look off into the distance, sometimes all you can see coming for you are the bad, the horrible and the worse? It's like going down this conveyor belt or down a slide, and at the end finding the jaws of some creature open and waiting to great you.

You could panic and scramble backwards, or you could hasten the event by rushing forward so that you wouldn't have to wait for the unanticipated moment. Or better yet, simply jump off the slide, off the conveyor.

When we speak of individuals who "run away" from their problems, it is only because it is a temporary thing. They physically move themselves from the problem... only having to deal with it again later, in which case the individual can choose to "run away" again. Eventually though, he won't have the strength to do so.

So what happens if you can't run away from your problems, and can't jump off the slide? The boat is sinking, you could jump off it, but the water is filled with hungry sharks. This is a dilemma.

We have to make a choice to do something. We could stay on the boat, or jump. But how about a third option? We could attempt to fix the problem. Perhaps we could fix the leak?

And I guess that's what I've noticed in those individuals who are successful and seem to have some control of their lives. In trying times, they don't freeze up, they make a choice. Where the choices aren't good and all end up badly, they find an alternative and solve the root of the problem. Kind of like pulling out a rocket launcher and blowing the bejeebers out of that creature at the end of the slide. You sold the problem for yourself, and for others.

The moral of today's story? Always have a rocket launcher handy.

Straighten Everything Out

 When you try to do too many things at once, things can get pretty messy. It seems like a pretty basic lesson that everyone should know, but when you're caught up with the excitement of finally finding your path... it's hard to remind yourself about the importance of caution.

Things get jumbled and tangled. Sooner or later, you realized that you can't sort things out anymore. You can't find the time to do the things you really want. You can't find the right words to say or actions to do. You can't identify which of your feelings are real, and which are the result of mere fantasy.

I've resigned from my internship position with the American media outlet. I was humbled and surprised when they embraced me with such enthusiasm. But it only served to satisfy a mild curiosity and to fluff up my resume... which, to be honest, wouldn't have made much difference.

Now that the internship is out of the way, I can finally focus on making myself better. I've got my instruments to practice, need to work on my tennis swing, experiment with some more cooking recipes, and restart my workout program in earnest.

I can sort of feel myself begin to shut people out again, especially after this weekend. I'm ashamed of what I did, and disappointed that I still can't sort out my feelings. But perhaps, I'll let her take the lead on this one and see what she wants. When the time comes, it'll come.

It's hard to sort out illusions from truth when your feelings get in the way.

 Track:  A Rocket to the Moon - 54321

Time to Move On.

I've heard it a million times, seen it through countless dreams.

They've all told me the same thing. To forget about it all, and move on.

To forget the way you'd hold my hands to cup your face.

The way your hands would always find mine.

The mischievous smiles you'd flash as you bit my lip gently and wouldn't let me go.

Then there are those who remind me that I'm getting older.

That it is time for me to focus on the rest of my life.

So perhaps it is time for me to move on. To move out on my own.

I can empty my investment accounts, and it'll be enough to purchase that loft I've been looking at.

I can accept my current supervisor's offer to extend my contract.

Then I'd be fully independent.

But is this what I want? Would I be happy? What would my parents think if I bought a house without consulting them?

Choices.