Musings for the day

It is getting late for the day before a workday, and I should be sound asleep. As I don't seem to be able to settle down, I'm recapping on the day.

I woke up at my usual time, even with the alarm turned off. It was too early for a Sunday morning, so I stayed in bed, gazing up at the bare roof. I'm tired of waiting to get deployed at work. I just want to be out of Kingston now. It isn't that this city is unenjoyable, it's simply knowing that another intriguing adventure awaits. The tasks I'm doing are also not very inspiring anymore, my work with the professor has hit a number of setbacks, and I am not looking forward to convincing her to lower some of her requirements for me to finish things on time. Even if she does, I'm not sure how things'll go. Tomorrow, when I can pull some of the samples out and analyze them, will tell.

I cleaned the room a bit, picking up garbage, folding some clothes, washing some dishes. The room was cleaner, but still messy. I didn't want to look at everything anymore, so I picked up the violin and left for the Queen's campus. I need to bring the instrument in to get some upgrades. It needs new pegs, and new strings probably wouldn't be amiss. I've played it a lot recently, and am finally able to play some songs; albiet poorly. It is truly an instrument I enjoy though, as practice is more a delight than anything.

I parked the car on the Queen's campus, which was relatively empty, grabbed my gear and headed to the music building. It was... locked for the weekend unfortunately, something I'm not used to in Waterloo. As I had planned on jogging after practice anyways, I threw my violin back in the car and ran for the first time in months.

It was liberating.

Running through campus, I jumped every railing I deemed safe, leapt on and over every concrete block... remembering the days I tried to parkor. My first ipod, complete with a playlist from first year, played tunes to keep me going. I had recently found the ipod nano, squashed in the bottom of a box full of a myriad of items. As old as the songs were on it, and as poor the playlist selection was, it felt good to listen to them again.

I ran through parks, and in between buildings. Saw people on picnics, playing tennis, practicing kendo, skateboarding, and couples sitting underneath trees. Around another bend was the lake, and so I had the chance to fulfil a daydream I once had in grade twelve, imagining what life at Queen's would've been like... if I had come. Sweat, strain, and desperate breaths; what an amazing feeling. It was truly good to be running again.

So, a childhood daydream brought to reality. Not a bad way to spend the day I suppose, although it didn't lead to some revolution or life altering event; it did make me feel somewhat fulfilled. It isn't everyday that you get a chance to take a peak down "the other path", especially when you've already walked so far on the one you've chosen.

There seems to be so much I need to work on still.

Slow Day

It has been a particularly slow week at work. All preparations for the Arctic are made for already, some people have departed and all of our training is complete. You know that there is nothing to do when your boss comes to you and and asks if he can do something for you because he's bored. This is how it feels to be on standby.

Sitting outside on the steps of our trailer, taking in the moist air, looking up at the dark sky. Bits of light filtering through thin portions of cloud, a book in my hand. Raindrops started to fall, first as a mist, then as a torrent.

So here I am, having moved into the trailer, looking out the windows and doors at the weather outside. Munching on carrot sticks, it was the only sound apart from the rain striking glass and metal.

Idle hands, but not an idle mind; that's how I am of course. Thinking, constantly thinking, planning and analyzing. Sometimes I wonder if it's all too much. I put a lot of thought into everything I do, I become infinitely familiar with every situation, run simulations before executing a specific course of action... applying engineering principles to my life.

But perhaps I shouldn't do that. I'm just thinking about how conflicting it is to be analytical and genuine. Something I've strive to be all the time. If I were to say that true genuineness comes from spontaneity, then being analytical would be precisely detrimental to efforts to being the former.

For example, could you imagine being in a situation with a significant other. On the dock, cuddled up on a towel. A warm day, wine, snacks, the gentle rocking of the waves... a sunset. You exchange timid smiles as you nuzzle each other. The breath of the other on your cheek, lips centimeters apart. Then, running through your mind: "What if I kissed her now? How should I kiss her? Tongue or no tongue?" What a disastrous thing to do in the moment.

I used to have this perfect balance. I need to find it again.

Relics that never leave you

Slowly, I'm returning to my observer phase; being quiet, simply analyzing the situation and trying to make sense of the world. People have noticed of course, a few have asked if I'm okay or if I feel ill. I manage a smile to these inquiries usually and assure them I'm fine. But perhaps everyone is beginning to understand now. Instead of asking, the coworkers come by and check up on me in the form of light taps to the shoulder, pokes, and playful bumps when we walk; as if to remind me that I'm in a position to participate, not observe. But I'm tired guys, I need a break.

I've just been a little troubled lately. The last two nights, I've been dreaming about my ex; which is strange because I've never done so before, and I am not one to remember my dreams usually. It was certainly on my mind today as I was doing some PCB analysis practice runs. Usually test tubes and chemical reactions interest me, but I wasn't really focused, wondering about the origins of those strong emotions we all tend to feel in memorable dreams. After all, I haven't really thought about her for a while, so why these feelings trouble me so much is a mystery.

Things don't end there. A different ex messaged me, something about tickets for wine tasting that she would love me to accompany her to. I guess it's nice to have someone remind you that they still remember you even when you've pushed them out of your life. She finds ways to communicate once every few months, usually to tell me how special of a guy I am. Just in case anyone thinks that she intends to get back together, I'll tell you now that you're wrong. We knew that we were just a summer romance, and even now we are too different to go anywhere for long. She doesn't know that I've changed too. She still thinks I'm that perfect gentleman who wears dress shirts all the time, smiles whenever I see her, and abstained from everything just to make a point. That guy is still here, but he didn't work once, didn't work another time with another girl, and probably won't be seen again until I find someone who can handle him.

Some things of the past just never leave you. They are a part of you now, so run as you might, you can't exactly run from your own shadow.

If I put life simply nowadays, it's this:

Decide how you want to live your life, whether you want happiness or fulfillment. They are two very separate things and require you to take opposing paths. The nice thing is, attaining one leads to the discovery of the other.

Quantity or quality. You can have many or can have one great one. With many, you can satiate your hunger at any moment, but you will never know what it means to truly be fully satisfied. You'll never know what 100% looks like.

You can make the "broad" your world, or the "narrow". You can look at yourself as an individual who can change the fate of the planet and the future of civilization on a grand scale, or you can see only your immediate surroundings. Your world may simply be your significant other and the love you have for each other. Forget the rest of the world, it's not immediately relevant.

Then, you choose your legacy. You may choose something material, like a company or career; or perhaps something else... like family. But choose, because very few of us can have both.

...


Choices. It would be so much easier if I had someone intelligent to talk to again.

Don't Forget

A note to myself, because I feel that a change is on the horizon.

Don't forget who you are. Ever.
You're the boy who's sometimes quiet, sometimes noisy.
The one that strives to appreciate the little things in life
and toils to be someone who is of value.
You enjoy sappy romance, quiet walks in the park, slow dancing with her, and kissing in the rain.
But you also like being free and honest about your emotions.
Nibbling her ear, holding her waist, cuddling at night, play fighting, having some arguments and making up later.


You always do what is right, with the right intentions, simply because it is the right thing to do.
Always consider the physical impacts of your actions, as well as the mental and spiritual.
Manners and class are not recognized by everyone, but will be by those who matter.
You dream big... smile lots... please don't let the world take those away.


You've realized the value of family and friends. Understands why your family structure is so strange,
why your friends need to be screened carefully because of that.
There are reasons why you have certain expectations for her.
You want to be with someone who inspires you, and you the same for her.
You want someone who is passionate, beautiful, and intelligent.
And you try hard to be someone similar to match.


Don't forget that your dynamic personality is what makes you special... even if it's what you think is keeping you alone.


Don't forget that right now, you're only 21. You've done plenty more than others of your age, regardless of what they may say. You've extended your reach, and opened numerous doors.


You're dead serious when dealing with problems, but silly and playful at other times.
When needed, you're there. You are the solution to many problems.
And do what you can to make every situation better than when you found it.


So as you venture out into the world, and the forces of the world throw you left and right. Whether you take on your place in the family establishments, meet people of all walks of life, and play a greater role on the global stage... Don't lose what are your best qualities. This is a reminder to you, a snapshot, of what you love best about yourself on June 4, 2010 at 3:27PM.


Use your sails to propel you to your destinations, don't allow them to flutter in the wind and blow you off your course.