Ferris wheels always depress me for some reason. No, I've never ridden one before, but it's one of those things that I see as a representation of the cyclical nature of life. You go up, and the view is great for a while, but then you come back down again. You start low, reach a peak, and have to return to the lows again before you can get off.
Like: growing up, establishing yourself, getting old and rotting... before moving on. It's the circle of life, just not as poetic as Disney would have put it. Well, circle in the sense that the ride is circular. Whether or not you make another circular trip is another story.
Niagara is a beautiful city. The lights, the noises, the beauty, the winding roads...oh they're amazing. I'm thankful for all the experiences this term. For the people I've met, for the laughs, frustrations and tears. I've continued to grow.
I guess that's what I have to do. Set my focus on the future right? I haven't hit the peak yet, and I want to make sure that peak is as high as possible so that the coming down part is just as breathtaking as the going up part of the ride. I've pretty much decided that I'll try really hard to get that job at CRA next term, since that's the engineering firm I'd like to have a contract from after I graduate. They're a good company, I'd learn a lot from them, and would have the opportunity to travel between their many office locations all over North America. Or perhaps SNC Lavalin. But that'll be a toughie. Maybe I'll be able to schedule everything so that I'll have four months to complete Reservist training.
Maybe I'll continue with grad school. Maybe I'll return to the federal government. Maybe I'll settle down somewhere with someone.
So many maybes. I've been taking every opportunity to speak to older people. My boss, my boss's boss, Canada's senior scientist on urban water and infrastructure whom I met this week...etc. If there is anything I got from the mixed responses, is that no one really honestly knows how they got to where they are today. They can rationalize and come up with a logical explanation, but when it comes down to it, they've got nothing. Their 20 year old self was every bit as lost and confused as every other 20 year old, regardless of how they tried to act otherwise.
And so, I'm torn between planning for the future and living in the moment. What good is planning for the future if it is no use? What good is waiting and holding back on moments for some other moment that could happen? Why not just party hard now, and play?
For example, there was really no reason why I've held back so many experiences from my past relationships. A friend had once told me how disappointed she was... that her boyfriend, who she thinks is the one, and her will have no real memorable "first" experience. I didn't remind her that marriage would probably count, but I know what she meant. First kisses, first time sleeping with someone of the opposite gender, first relationships... all mean that no matter what you'll be remembered. That you're special. And I guess I wanted to make sure each of the girls that shared their lives with me would have a first too.
But for all my planning, that's probably the stupidest thing ever. I don't know how many girls I'll have. I don't know when I'll ever finally meet someone that fits me well, will stay with me, and wants to be a part of my life. So that's it I guess. No more holding back.
Track: Paramore - Playing God
