Saturday was one of these days. I finished tutoring my students in the morning, hoping to God that they couldn't tell that I was exhausted from not sleeping well at all the night before. curled up in bed again, threw the covers over my head and dozed for an hour or so before finally getting dressed and having breakfast. By this time of course, it was already noon.
It is a strange feeling to be by myself again. For the past term, I spent every moment either at applied at work, madly trying to complete assignments from the online course, or out with friends. My schedule was packed and there was honestly not a moment of reprieve. The term before that? Studying at school, early mornings into the study room and late nights out. Every moment worried that perhaps I don't have what it takes to be in Waterloo Engineering. Perhaps... I should've accepted one of those other university offers years ago.
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And so, with a moment to myself, I caught up with my thoughts. Flash back to last weekend, picking up my ex from Toronto and driving her to Waterloo so that she could visit her best friend. Honestly, any sane guy wouldn't have done it. She was an ex, we haven't spoken in half a year, and we didn't last very long back then anyways. But I've missed our dynamic conversations and she wanted to see me again, so I agreed.
And such amazing conversations we had.
We spoke of our time together. Her perception of me, mine of her... our dreams, our goals, our shared interests.
And in the end, a hug... her head snuggled in that familiar place by my neck.
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Fast forward a few days, until I stopped at elswhere and paid another ex a visit. We haven't spoken in a long time, and were once best friends. Our friendship died when the relationship did years ago.
She caught me up with her life, told me about her new boyfriend who happens to be a Waterloo student too... and about how life is now that she was well on her way to accomplishing her goals.
She was always the bright one, amazingly brilliant in school and socially, always destroyed me in any class I dared to compete with her in (except English and anything that had to do with technology). But I was such a cocky little kid back in high school. Such a creep too.
I'm so excited for what she'll become. And it was even better to hear that she was excited for me too. We're still keeping our promises from our high school graduation. But how we've changed.
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Back to the present. Alone again. No one was home, so everything was silent. The guitar lay beside me, as recipes for dinner flashed across the computer screen.
Spending time on myself is the most assured investment. After all these years, I've realized how sad some people are. How useless it is to waste time trying to impress them. How stupid it is to chase after them.
I will only spend my resources on people with substance. People of value. People who will make a damn difference in this world or mine.
So for now, let me stay alone.
But please don't think I've abandoned you. No, I never abandon my friends. I keep my promises, and I'll be there when you need me. But for now, just a moment, I need this for myself.
Track: Scott Simmons - Umbrella (Cover)
