It has been a particularly slow week at work. All preparations for the Arctic are made for already, some people have departed and all of our training is complete. You know that there is nothing to do when your boss comes to you and and asks if he can do something for you because he's bored. This is how it feels to be on standby.
Sitting outside on the steps of our trailer, taking in the moist air, looking up at the dark sky. Bits of light filtering through thin portions of cloud, a book in my hand. Raindrops started to fall, first as a mist, then as a torrent.
So here I am, having moved into the trailer, looking out the windows and doors at the weather outside. Munching on carrot sticks, it was the only sound apart from the rain striking glass and metal.
Idle hands, but not an idle mind; that's how I am of course. Thinking, constantly thinking, planning and analyzing. Sometimes I wonder if it's all too much. I put a lot of thought into everything I do, I become infinitely familiar with every situation, run simulations before executing a specific course of action... applying engineering principles to my life.
But perhaps I shouldn't do that. I'm just thinking about how conflicting it is to be analytical and genuine. Something I've strive to be all the time. If I were to say that true genuineness comes from spontaneity, then being analytical would be precisely detrimental to efforts to being the former.
For example, could you imagine being in a situation with a significant other. On the dock, cuddled up on a towel. A warm day, wine, snacks, the gentle rocking of the waves... a sunset. You exchange timid smiles as you nuzzle each other. The breath of the other on your cheek, lips centimeters apart. Then, running through your mind: "What if I kissed her now? How should I kiss her? Tongue or no tongue?" What a disastrous thing to do in the moment.
I used to have this perfect balance. I need to find it again.
