Slowly, I'm returning to my observer phase; being quiet, simply analyzing the situation and trying to make sense of the world. People have noticed of course, a few have asked if I'm okay or if I feel ill. I manage a smile to these inquiries usually and assure them I'm fine. But perhaps everyone is beginning to understand now. Instead of asking, the coworkers come by and check up on me in the form of light taps to the shoulder, pokes, and playful bumps when we walk; as if to remind me that I'm in a position to participate, not observe. But I'm tired guys, I need a break.
I've just been a little troubled lately. The last two nights, I've been dreaming about my ex; which is strange because I've never done so before, and I am not one to remember my dreams usually. It was certainly on my mind today as I was doing some PCB analysis practice runs. Usually test tubes and chemical reactions interest me, but I wasn't really focused, wondering about the origins of those strong emotions we all tend to feel in memorable dreams. After all, I haven't really thought about her for a while, so why these feelings trouble me so much is a mystery.
Things don't end there. A different ex messaged me, something about tickets for wine tasting that she would love me to accompany her to. I guess it's nice to have someone remind you that they still remember you even when you've pushed them out of your life. She finds ways to communicate once every few months, usually to tell me how special of a guy I am. Just in case anyone thinks that she intends to get back together, I'll tell you now that you're wrong. We knew that we were just a summer romance, and even now we are too different to go anywhere for long. She doesn't know that I've changed too. She still thinks I'm that perfect gentleman who wears dress shirts all the time, smiles whenever I see her, and abstained from everything just to make a point. That guy is still here, but he didn't work once, didn't work another time with another girl, and probably won't be seen again until I find someone who can handle him.
Some things of the past just never leave you. They are a part of you now, so run as you might, you can't exactly run from your own shadow.
If I put life simply nowadays, it's this:
Decide how you want to live your life, whether you want happiness or fulfillment. They are two very separate things and require you to take opposing paths. The nice thing is, attaining one leads to the discovery of the other.
Quantity or quality. You can have many or can have one great one. With many, you can satiate your hunger at any moment, but you will never know what it means to truly be fully satisfied. You'll never know what 100% looks like.
You can make the "broad" your world, or the "narrow". You can look at yourself as an individual who can change the fate of the planet and the future of civilization on a grand scale, or you can see only your immediate surroundings. Your world may simply be your significant other and the love you have for each other. Forget the rest of the world, it's not immediately relevant.
Then, you choose your legacy. You may choose something material, like a company or career; or perhaps something else... like family. But choose, because very few of us can have both.
...
Choices. It would be so much easier if I had someone intelligent to talk to again.
