Lost in the Rhythm

Music... what a beautiful gift

 I vanish whenever I'm hurt or distraught. Part of it is because I don't want people to see me when I'm down, part of it is because I often try to figure things out myself... since in most cases other's can't do much for me, and a small part of it is to see if anyone will actually notice my absence; an extension of that would be to see who actually notices that I'm damaged somewhere.

For the past while, I've sort of disappeared from everything. Mostly because there are a lot of things I needed to establish and figure out. At the same time, I've come to a realization about the way the world works... that is a little difficult to digest, since it is slightly contrary to how I wanted to live my life. I liken it to discovering that something you didn't want to be true... was in fact just that.

I haven't really gone out lately, except for the few trips to the bars with coworkers. Just staying around home, fixing things up. I had a very good time today, just spending hours with an old friend... whom I only see once a year. It was always nice to see her, and we always have amazing conversations... plus, she is really one of the few people I know who actually has some depth and is going somewhere with her life. She's brilliant. Really. That's the type of people who attend Canada's best business school I guess. When someone you care about gains something that makes them so happy, you can't help but be happy too!

Apart from that...mostly, I've surrounded myself with my instruments... just practicing and learning more. It is somewhat strange, since I'm trying a rather odd approach to my instrument learning. Instead of learning in a linear fashion (as in, one instrument followed by another), I'm learning 4 instruments together at the same time in parallel. The logic works in that piano theory would help in all the other instruments, while violin is basically a fretless guitar, and singing... well helps with learning key and pitch. I expect progress to be slow initially, but improve later on to surpass that of developing these things linearly. If it works, I may apply this system elsewhere too. I'm such a dork. :)

I've been meaning to put my studio back together and finish a song I had begun for my first girl years ago... but I'm not sure I ever want to finish it anymore. Honestly, the tune and melody just didn't work... and the words don't seem to fit properly elsewhere.

I guess, if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. I'll leave it be.

Gotta love getting lost in the rhythm and melody of music. It makes everything okay.

Track: The Title - Ever So Slightly

What do you want for christmas?

I haven't done a photo shoot for the past few weeks, so I just quickly snapped this simple one to capture the Christmassy feeling I have nowadays. I can honestly say, I can't wait to get to spend time with family and close friends in a few weeks.

I'm sure everyone is asking and receiving the telltale sign that someone is getting you a gift and expecting one in return. The... "what do you want for Christmas" sign that is.

This weekend was the first I had actually spent at home. Oh, I've been home almost every weekend, but it was simply a base of operations of sorts. I'd be out of the house in a few minutes somewhere else. I made sure I had no such plans this weekend, and really spent it at home with family. Being a good Taiwanese boy and helping out my parents, optimizing the computer, setting up the Christmas lights, singing Karaoke with the family, hot pot, and looking after the dogs; checking their joints, fur, and body parts for any sign of health problems or discomfort...

And then my parents popped the question on me. They wanted to know, what I wanted. What I truly needed this Christmas season.

"What I truly needed..."

I drew up a blank then, but now I think I can confidently tell them what I want. I just want... a good Christmas. One that tops all the other ones. I don't need lavish gifts, I don't need a new car, a new computer, or money. I just want to have great memories with family and friends. Something, anything to top last Christmas... the one I spent with my ex and her family. My parents don't know this, but I asked her out as soon as the clock struck midnight on Christmas eve. Flowers, behind my back, and asked her in front of her entire family.

And that smile on everyone's faces, the squeals from her sisters, and the grinning of her parents... her running at me for a hug.

Memories. That I don't want to revisit anymore.

So please? Something better this year, somehow, so that when I think back on my favorite Christmas memory... She won't be in it.

Enjoying Solitude

It is good to be alone occasionally; to enjoy the quiet motion of the wind swaying a branch outside the window, or a just savoring moment where it is acceptable to be selfish with time.

Saturday was one of these days. I finished tutoring my students in the morning, hoping to God that they couldn't tell that I was exhausted from not sleeping well at all the night before. curled up in bed again, threw the covers over my head and dozed for an hour or so before finally getting dressed and having breakfast. By this time of course, it was already noon.

It is a strange feeling to be by myself again. For the past term, I spent every moment either at applied at work, madly trying to complete assignments from the online course, or out with friends. My schedule was packed and there was honestly not a moment of reprieve. The term before that? Studying at school, early mornings into the study room and late nights out. Every moment worried that perhaps I don't have what it takes to be in Waterloo Engineering. Perhaps... I should've accepted one of those other university offers years ago.

---

And so, with a moment to myself, I caught up with my thoughts. Flash back to last weekend, picking up my ex from Toronto and driving her to Waterloo so that she could visit her best friend. Honestly, any sane guy wouldn't have done it. She was an ex, we haven't spoken in half a year, and we didn't last very long back then anyways. But I've missed our dynamic conversations and she wanted to see me again, so I agreed.

And such amazing conversations we had.

We spoke of our time together. Her perception of me, mine of her... our dreams, our goals, our shared interests.

And in the end, a hug... her head snuggled in that familiar place by my neck.

---

Fast forward a few days, until I stopped at elswhere and paid another ex a visit. We haven't spoken in a long time, and were once best friends. Our friendship died when the relationship did years ago.

She caught me up with her life, told me about her new boyfriend who happens to be a Waterloo student too... and about how life is now that she was well on her way to accomplishing her goals.

She was always the bright one, amazingly brilliant in school and socially, always destroyed me in any class I dared to compete with her in (except English and anything that had to do with technology). But I was such a cocky little kid back in high school. Such a creep too.

I'm so excited for what she'll become. And it was even better to hear that she was excited for me too. We're still keeping our promises from our high school graduation. But how we've changed.

---

Back to the present. Alone again. No one was home, so everything was silent. The guitar lay beside me, as recipes for dinner flashed across the computer screen.

Spending time on myself is the most assured investment. After all these years, I've realized how sad some people are. How useless it is to waste time trying to impress them. How stupid it is to chase after them.

I will only spend my resources on people with substance. People of value. People who will make a damn difference in this world or mine.

So for now, let me stay alone.

But please don't think I've abandoned you. No, I never abandon my friends. I keep my promises, and I'll be there when you need me. But for now, just a moment, I need this for myself.

Track: Scott Simmons - Umbrella (Cover)

Why didn't you?

Why don't you spend a moment, and explain to me why I shouldn't be angry
Why, we couldn't have talked this through back then
Why, you... of all people, only looked at surface appearances and never gave me a chance to explain.

I would've told you everything.
If only you've had told me that it was a problem.

You WERE everything to me. And I would've gladly changed for you. 

Why didn't you just talk to me?