Relics that never leave you

Slowly, I'm returning to my observer phase; being quiet, simply analyzing the situation and trying to make sense of the world. People have noticed of course, a few have asked if I'm okay or if I feel ill. I manage a smile to these inquiries usually and assure them I'm fine. But perhaps everyone is beginning to understand now. Instead of asking, the coworkers come by and check up on me in the form of light taps to the shoulder, pokes, and playful bumps when we walk; as if to remind me that I'm in a position to participate, not observe. But I'm tired guys, I need a break.

I've just been a little troubled lately. The last two nights, I've been dreaming about my ex; which is strange because I've never done so before, and I am not one to remember my dreams usually. It was certainly on my mind today as I was doing some PCB analysis practice runs. Usually test tubes and chemical reactions interest me, but I wasn't really focused, wondering about the origins of those strong emotions we all tend to feel in memorable dreams. After all, I haven't really thought about her for a while, so why these feelings trouble me so much is a mystery.

Things don't end there. A different ex messaged me, something about tickets for wine tasting that she would love me to accompany her to. I guess it's nice to have someone remind you that they still remember you even when you've pushed them out of your life. She finds ways to communicate once every few months, usually to tell me how special of a guy I am. Just in case anyone thinks that she intends to get back together, I'll tell you now that you're wrong. We knew that we were just a summer romance, and even now we are too different to go anywhere for long. She doesn't know that I've changed too. She still thinks I'm that perfect gentleman who wears dress shirts all the time, smiles whenever I see her, and abstained from everything just to make a point. That guy is still here, but he didn't work once, didn't work another time with another girl, and probably won't be seen again until I find someone who can handle him.

Some things of the past just never leave you. They are a part of you now, so run as you might, you can't exactly run from your own shadow.

If I put life simply nowadays, it's this:

Decide how you want to live your life, whether you want happiness or fulfillment. They are two very separate things and require you to take opposing paths. The nice thing is, attaining one leads to the discovery of the other.

Quantity or quality. You can have many or can have one great one. With many, you can satiate your hunger at any moment, but you will never know what it means to truly be fully satisfied. You'll never know what 100% looks like.

You can make the "broad" your world, or the "narrow". You can look at yourself as an individual who can change the fate of the planet and the future of civilization on a grand scale, or you can see only your immediate surroundings. Your world may simply be your significant other and the love you have for each other. Forget the rest of the world, it's not immediately relevant.

Then, you choose your legacy. You may choose something material, like a company or career; or perhaps something else... like family. But choose, because very few of us can have both.

...


Choices. It would be so much easier if I had someone intelligent to talk to again.

Don't Forget

A note to myself, because I feel that a change is on the horizon.

Don't forget who you are. Ever.
You're the boy who's sometimes quiet, sometimes noisy.
The one that strives to appreciate the little things in life
and toils to be someone who is of value.
You enjoy sappy romance, quiet walks in the park, slow dancing with her, and kissing in the rain.
But you also like being free and honest about your emotions.
Nibbling her ear, holding her waist, cuddling at night, play fighting, having some arguments and making up later.


You always do what is right, with the right intentions, simply because it is the right thing to do.
Always consider the physical impacts of your actions, as well as the mental and spiritual.
Manners and class are not recognized by everyone, but will be by those who matter.
You dream big... smile lots... please don't let the world take those away.


You've realized the value of family and friends. Understands why your family structure is so strange,
why your friends need to be screened carefully because of that.
There are reasons why you have certain expectations for her.
You want to be with someone who inspires you, and you the same for her.
You want someone who is passionate, beautiful, and intelligent.
And you try hard to be someone similar to match.


Don't forget that your dynamic personality is what makes you special... even if it's what you think is keeping you alone.


Don't forget that right now, you're only 21. You've done plenty more than others of your age, regardless of what they may say. You've extended your reach, and opened numerous doors.


You're dead serious when dealing with problems, but silly and playful at other times.
When needed, you're there. You are the solution to many problems.
And do what you can to make every situation better than when you found it.


So as you venture out into the world, and the forces of the world throw you left and right. Whether you take on your place in the family establishments, meet people of all walks of life, and play a greater role on the global stage... Don't lose what are your best qualities. This is a reminder to you, a snapshot, of what you love best about yourself on June 4, 2010 at 3:27PM.


Use your sails to propel you to your destinations, don't allow them to flutter in the wind and blow you off your course.

Sightseeing

They weren't stars, but they twinkled anyway. We didn't see any streaks across the sky, but you still made a wish. That's what I loved about you. Always able to make the best of the situation, never faltering in your faith that everything was as it should be.

I enjoy traveling for no other reason than to see how the world works. Tourist sites don't really intrigue me, it is how people live... how they survive against the odds that captures my attention. But sometimes, it's also how the world lives without people. From seeing the struggles of people in the slums, to how life in a desolate field can flourish; it all reminds me of one thing: that life is truly valuable.

It puts things in perspective for me.

In another year, after graduation... I expect myself to be traveling profusely. I pondered about graduate school, about going right into the work force, but I have an opportunity that very few have. I figure that it would be a pity not to take advantage of the cards I've been dealt, so it is likely that I won't be spending much time on this continent anymore.

I'll constantly be moving again, never stopping. I had thought that after graduating I could take root somewhere and develop my personal life. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say goodbye to most of my friends because of this choice. I hope that somewhere along the way, I'll meet someone... who is just like me.

To the stranger whom I hope to meet in the future: take care of yourself until then.

Hiatus

Going on an undefined hiatus from Blogger. Partially to protest their policy of removing music blogs without allowing users to retrieve or copy the hard work they've put into their entries, and partially because there is nothing here that I can't do in Xanga... which has a much more receptive community.

Toodles. It's been fun.