How Silently the Ship Sailed By

With its sails long unfurled, deck drifting side to side, and naught a sound to be heard; the ship waited impatiently for the wind to come. Long it had waited, ready to begin its journey; only to be constantly pulled back by those on shore who were sorry to see it leave.

Where it goes, they cannot follow; and so they hold on to its tethers; beseeching it to stay another week, day, moment.

Before is a long and exciting future of unknown consequence. Behind, the same drab familiarity that no longer beckons for any attention. 

In the night, when its captor's awareness waned, the wind at last arrived. It caught the sails, pulling them taunt off the masts, pillowing them against the fore, and silently, pulling the ship away; free at last.

Unbeknownst to those on shore, the true journey had begun.

---

So many things catch me unaware these days. When did my parents age so much? Where was the line that once past, defined me as an adult? What happened to the financial safety buffer I once built? How did I ever manage to deserve such a wonderful girlfriend? I really don't seem to know what I'm doing; but am instead just lashing out in as many directions are I can, with determination and dedication, hoping for a breakthrough somewhere. There must be a better way.

---

We lost Mimi this weekend. She was such a fighter, and her spirit never wavered. It was her body that failed her, and she tried so hard to hold on. I miss you little one, but I am ever so proud of everything you've given to me, to us, to the world. Goodnight, and I'll see you when I also embark on the journey to the lands unknown. Catch a rabbit for me.

Blowing Off the Dust

It's not like there is actually a moment to spare, but irrespective of the tasks at hand--for necessity--I've neglected all my other tasks today.

For the longest time, life has felt like a constant dash up hill, only to find another to summit once you are over the crest. So let us take a moment to stop, think, rub the eyes and look around.

So much has changed since I've last visited. The people in my life are different; those you would've expected to be here forever are now merely acquaintances. Indeed it is spectacularly difficult to keep in touch with folks these days, and when that challenge is surpassed, it is even harder to stay relevant in each others lives. While solitude is something familiar by now--in fact, one that is desired usually--I do miss having that core group of friends to share life with. But now, I don't stay still long enough for these bonds to form.

New job, new living arrangements, new enterprises, new interests. Quite good progress over six months, but the path forward is daunting. Entering adulthood in earnest is more frustrating than concerning, mostly due to limitations to my growth due to a lack of personal development time or a mentor. It has gotten to the point where I require specialized knowledge to realize my dreams; but because they are from multiple fields, I simply don't have the time to develop it all.

Still, I will find a way. 

A bit tired, but highly motivated. Leaving this here in memory of the fond past, when I still wrote.

The Empty Road

My office is situated in a new commercial development area. Much of it is vacant grass land, winnowed saplings, and the occasional mound of dirt. A paved road runs through this area, straight for a block, before rounding the corner into more of the untouched landscape.

This has been my place for the past year.

The place for me to run, walk, or rest and contemplate the most difficult of questions, the introspective ones.

It's always a struggle to truly identify what it is we want, and the reasons underlying some of our choices are just as illusive.

I used to think all I had to do was be on my own to solve my problems. Whenever a difficult situation arises, I sought to be on my own.

Lately it hasn't helped. Even among the solitude and the silence and warmth of the sun, I can't make straight the tangled.

There are others here sometimes. A father with his daughter on a tricycle, two children kicking a soccer ball back and forth, a girl with her dog.

Maybe I'm doing this all wrong. Everyone else is here with someone after all.

What Could've been

Sometimes I wish that we could know for a fact that there was no going back,
that the paths we chose not to take, the rocks we didn't overturn
would remain shrouded in mystery forever, such that
those whispers of what could've been wouldn't be relevant.

It's a terrible habit to continuously look back at the choices you've made,
and wondered if it's the right one.

When all we really should do is be steadfast in our chosen direction, and work with the world we've nurtured for ourselves.

It's finished.

Every so often I have this identity crisis.
It occurs whenever a significant hurdle has been completed.

To find that the nemesis which defined you for so long has been vanquished,
it leaves a void.

Where you were once so accustomed to the next page of your story simply being a continuation of the last,

all of a sudden, it's a new chapter.

And so begins the desperate search for something new.

You still recognize me

What a difference a few weeks, months, years can make.
How different we become without really realizing it.
How foreign we are to what we are now and who we were.

Life winds its convoluted way through time and space, junctions form in the most seemingly random places
and yet they couldn't have been any more perfect.

An old acquaintance, long written off.
A quotation, long forgotten.
A feeling, long lost.

Something reminds you of who you were.
Pulling yourself out of the present and onto a higher plain,
gazing at where you've been and what you've learned and what you've become.

Seeing where you've gone astray and lost your way.

All because someone still recognized you.

Forgetting

It seems that the older I get, the more broken I become.
But it's because I keep forgetting everything,
the lessons we've learned in our youth, the experiences that we've carried with us all these years.

I've let them go too easily, and now I'm finding myself reaching out for them again.

Begging for them to come back.

So this is what we've become.

We went through the motions most unexpectedly.
How did we even begin? It was so natural, so spontaneous.
You were a girl shrouded in mystery.
Separated by distance and time, two backgrounds that never were meant to meet.

But you're right. We did okay didn't we?
Sparked something without any physical interaction,
the late night talks, the little scribbles we sent the old fashioned way.

We went through the motions of love, but never truly attained it.
Somewhere along the way, what we had was drowned by all the noise of the world.

But you remember, and so do I.

I don't linger on what could've been, what would've been, but that doesn't mean I don't get the subtle hints you leave. The rare times you reach back out to me, almost as if nothing and everything has happened.

You've never let me close this door for you. Pushing me to the sidelines, making me solely an observer.
And I see you slowly crack beneath the surface.

Let me in. Let us resolve this once and for all.

So that you can move on, find someone more suitable and someday think back on us as just another sweet memory of youthful fascination and endearment.

In and Out

It must be lonely being an airport.
People moving through you,
sticking around for as long as necessary before moving on.
To all, you are a gateway home or to the world beyond.

You see everything. Joy and sorrow, tears and laughter.
Families parting, couples breaking, friends greeting and people grieving.
To be able to encompass so much and observe with such depth into the intricacies of humanity,
but not be appreciated enough for anyone to willingly stay.

Such tragedy, but life feels like that often doesn't it?

People coming by, paths crossing briefly, sharing in some of the more intimate details and moments of their lives, and then watching them move on.

But no matter how many times that happens, you can never lose the feeling that the next one that comes by, might just be the one.

Sorry

I can't believe that I never found it until now.
Your thoughts, your wishes, your memories.
Flipping to the dates when we were together,
the emotions rushing through you finally became clear.

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
For breaking your heart.

"I didn't know" isn't a valid excuse for me.
I should've known. 

Looking and Not Looking

Begin by determining if you are actually searching for something. Then try to ask the right questions, to figure out what you want.
Next, generate some constraints and limits so you can scope your search.
Perform the search.
Find someone, anyone.
Reflect and analyze this individual to your list of requirements.
Realize you didn't know what you wanted.

Take her hand and run.

It's the only way to know.

No, I haven't forgotten

That was always me. The boy who spoke too much of dreams, marvelled at the possibilities, and was entranced by every single source of motivation. Transfixed on a goal so high, yet fully confident that it could be achieved.

Do you remember those nights? Curled up in the vehicle, you in my arms, looking out the windows at the trees that surrounded us. It was like our own little place, the trees as our sentries.

Those were the days, youthful optimism, the smell of your hair, a blank canvas as a future.

Fast forward five years and we meet again. You, weary of the world; me, my canvas filled with something considerably different.

You ask, where is that boy? what of the dreams? What of those words?

and I say: he's here, they're still alive, and I meant every single one.

Salsa

Do you ever find yourself waiting aimlessly for something, and then realize that you don't have the slightest clue of what it is that you are waiting for?

I'm curious, is this ignorance a positive thing or a bad thing? Perhaps not knowing is the right thing.

Latin music plays as the salsa club goes through their weekly lesson with a bunch of eager faces. A few of them are familiar, particularly the instructor. He looked up, and I quickly turned to hide my face.

He knows me well enough by name and is probably wondering why I didn't join them this year.

There was something about salsa though, about leading a dance and having the girl trust you entirely. One slip of confidence, one over analysis, and you miss a tempo or forget to give a signal and it all falls apart.

I remember my dancing partner, she struggled with reading the signals because she wasn't used to waiting for someone to lead. Ever independent, she'd always jump ahead of me as soon as she decided on what move I was requesting. Unfortunately, most of the time she was wrong.

I held her one time by the shoulders after she apologized for the third time straight,  looked her in the eyes and told her to not break the gaze. We finished the next song smoothly, with full eye contact, oblivious to the world around us, and barely noticing the dance at all. We were moving gracefully, but were just along for the ride. The dance took to life itself.

I realize that through that exercise, although I intended for her to let go of her independent tendencies, I actually accomplished something else for myself as well. I learned to stop analyzing and just trust the part of me that bobs to a nice tempo or autonomously decides things before I consciously do.

It was fascinating, and I've only felt like that the few times she asked me to practice with her that term.

Surprisingly, I'm finding myself missing salsa. Perhaps I'll dance again someday soon.

Morning Ritual

It was a rather poor saturday morning, humid and a little too warm. The city was shrouded with thick mist, but I still found myself standing at the city center. I had arrived home late, 3 AM to be precise, snuck into the house and avoided alarming the dogs, then left early in the morning before anyone was awake. I was nobody's concern, because frankly, I wasn't supposed to be here.

Things keep changing. As I crept into the house the previous night, I found it layered with protective coverings. It looks like there is some major renovation going on. Similarly, the city center, which I was once so familiar with was different. Buildings have sprouted out of the vacant lands and construction was ongoing at the city hall for what looks to be a concert stage. I lingered a moment in front of the shopping center entrance before deciding that it was open.

It's been nine years since I've been here on my own. There was always someone with me when I found myself walking through the shopping center, sadly, I realize that I haven't spoken to any of them for many years.

Breakfast was an omelette and freshly squeezed orange juice. While contemplating this morning ritual of eating out by myself, I passed a girl who was sitting alone at a table, enjoying a similar meal. I guess I'm not the only one spending the morning by myself. 

I caught up on a bit of reading checking the rss feeds on the phone, going through old notes that I had recently synced from my retired electronic devices. Finding one that was from my long abandoned handheld device (Palm Pilot anyone?). It was a list a younger me had created, a bucket list of sorts, full of things I wanted to do in my life. Most of it was naive romantic stuff such as dancing with a girl in the rain, make someone laugh so hard they cried, fix a broken heart... pretty much stuff I can cross off now, since I inadvertently did all of them already.

But then it got me thinking about what a modern version of that list would be like. I thought about all the choices and opportunities I had before me, but then was distraught upon realizing that I couldn't tell you where I wanted to be in 10 years time.

Maybe I'll be married?
Maybe I'll be single but established financially?
Perhaps I'll be working for some large corporation or government agency?
Or working for myself, managing my own business?

What's the use of opening doors if you have no intention of going through them? It's just a waste of time going through the effort. Similarly, making good progress in no direction is just as wasteful. You need both passion and vision to get to a difficult destination. Passion I don't lack in, but vision; that's as cloudy as the mist outside.

Then there is the question of payback. You see, everything I have came with strings attached... the car, the financial support. I'll need to start generating a return soon, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that as a graduate student.

And so, as I finished up the last of the omelette, I wondered what I was to do, where my priorities should be, and what the correct path was.

I'm sitting on a bunch of resources. What the hell should I do with it all?

Perhaps I'll solve that the next time I find the time for my morning ritual.

Silent Workings

I disappear when I'm busy working on fundamentals and making critical decisions. I've missed everyone very much, but things are taking longer than expected.

I need to deal with this alone, to build character and ensure that I don't blame anyone else for my choices.

Many changes are on the horizon. I must work faster.

Admire from a Distance

Occasionally someone will wander into your life
Just a bit, not wholly in it, but simply in your view.
She'll be amazing, graceful, eloquent, and beautiful;
talented, determined, and intelligent.
And all you could do is stand at the side and silently take her in.
Knowing that she'll never know that you ever existed
or that she stole a part of you.

So all you can do is admire from a distance,
this being that passed you by.

Wondering why the world does this,
offering what you can never hope to have.

Just a note.

As things come to an end, explanations for my conduct this term:

1. I am here for a very different purpose than most individuals.
2. There is a lot of work to do; and
3. Most people are full of crap.

Engineering is just an alternate route to my ultimate goal, albiet the more difficult one. I knew this going in, and it has been a humbling and enlightening experience. Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to try something new, I need to remain on the ride until it's done.

This is only the beginning of the journey, there's still so much to prepare and actually execute. Hopefully I am capable of doing what needs to be done, but I'm nervous and need to focus. This is why I haven't partaken in many activities that would distract me.

Outward appearances are only part of the story. Most things people say are meaningless. You can't rely on someone to tell you what their character is like, you can only judge them based on how they act. Even those that would see it as pretentious to judge do so themselves. The irony, hypocrisy, and change in human personalities will never cease to amaze me; I'd rather not associate myself with individuals who exemplify this, while doing what I can to ensure I don't become one of them.

With that said, it has been a wonderfully interesting five years at Waterloo. Although it feels like just the end of another term, where we bid everyone goodbye just to see them in 4-months time, this time it'll be different. We won't be coming back. It'll sink in later, and I'll miss everyone sorely. But until then, best of luck to everyone on their exams, job searches, and graduate school applications.

Networks

Maintaining networks is a time consuming and resource intensive task. With limits in both, it means you can only have a core group of active relationships at a time; which can be rotated to changing situations and environments. This lends itself to a system that requires conditioning to the notion of letting people go.

At the same time, you learn to analyze your relationships and build a roster based on certain qualities and principles. It has been a long time coming, and a rather difficult one at that, but the reorganization and reconstruction of my networks is going well.

Apologies to the people I have had to push away along the way, I enjoyed our time together, and this never was supposed to be a judge of your character in terms of "good" or "bad." No, I wouldn't presume to be worthy of judging anyone as thus. But rather whether your traits were in line with what "fit" and "didn't."

I will need a team soon, and there are many positions to fill. I promise an opportunity like no other, but you won't hear of it until I know I can deliver. Expect to receive an invitation to join me someday, after I have set things up; and yes, I am prepared to convince you that this will be something spectacular.

To those of you whom I've already worked with, it's been a delight.
To those I've yet to work with, fight with me and challenge my ideas. If we can pull off success after all that and still be friends at the end of the day, we'll be just fine.

Thank you for being a part of my life, and hopefully you'll accept the offer I give you down the road.

Missed Connections

Do you ever feel like you've lost something, when there is a brief interaction with another being but no followthrough?

Like the time you open the door for a girl, and your eyes lock as she smiles appreciatively. Perhaps it was a trick of the mind, but things pause, things hold. You both share a moment, and then it passes fleetingly. She never reappears in your life.

But what would've happened if you somehow reached out more? Complimented her choice of accessories perhaps, leading to a conversation about the item, a phone number, a lunch together, a date, one unforgettable night, a ring, a child, a lifetime of adventures.

No one will ever know.

Most people would think that far-fetched, but it's happened before.

A girl, a message, a photo shoot out together, a failed attempt at a kiss. A week later, the girl rode her bike across the city in the dead of the night to tell the boy how much she cared about him. The week after that, the boy drove terribly far to tell her how crazy he was of her. Arguments, tears, and many weeks, months, years pass. Now they are the best of friends.

It all began with a message the girl sent to the boy. She was a stranger, just reaching out to someone who she stumbled upon through a connection.

It can happen, it has, and I'd hate to miss another one.

Couple little reminders

Things I still need to do:

1. Determine the limiting factor to my personal photography. Is it gear or technique?
Need to try and do more with less, do not upgrade anything until I've managed to push the boundaries of my equipment. Learn to work with the gear I have, and not try to buy a solution.

2. Culture > Strategy
Establish better habits. A winning culture is more pervasive and will have longer reaching effects than a winning strategy.

3. Decide
"The only thing you're more indecisive about than your camera gear, is your girls." - Cake.
You suck, but yes... you're right.

4. Excess Capacity is Wasteful. Streamline.
My music studio, my instruments, the extra computers sitting at home that I built. Make something out of them... start recording again, perform musically, build that server cluster you've always wanted... or sell them all.

5. Take Those First Steps
Breaking the initial barrier is just as difficult as the long run, but the initial push can take you far. Consider all those business endeavours that never took off, the difficulty with moving from doing "free" work to "paid" work. Just do it.

6. Don't Wait for Perfection
A product that can do something 50% now. Is better than no product at all and the inability to do the same task. Plus, this is part of its development... release at 80% ability and build in systems for future updates/patches for the remaining 20% if you're concerned about branding.

7. Learn from Inspiring People
They were special. They did things that no one figured they could do. They inspired, worked hard, and blew expectations away. Learn from people who are better.

8. Be Genuinely Happy for Other's Successes
Your time will come, and it'll appear in a different way. For now, let their happiness be your happiness. Congratulations to those of you who have amazing job offers and post-undergraduate acceptances. See you all at the top.

9. Reassess Strengths and Weaknesses
This was last done a year ago. That's a long time in a person's life... so redo these soon to identify the new challenges that need to be addressed.

10. Let Go
Of people who are no longer in your life. You've had your time together, manage to say goodbye. Of the past, it is already a part of you... no need to try and bring it back to the present.

Get a grip on things again, pull yourself together, and look for new avenues as the old ones fill up.