No, I haven't forgotten

That was always me. The boy who spoke too much of dreams, marvelled at the possibilities, and was entranced by every single source of motivation. Transfixed on a goal so high, yet fully confident that it could be achieved.

Do you remember those nights? Curled up in the vehicle, you in my arms, looking out the windows at the trees that surrounded us. It was like our own little place, the trees as our sentries.

Those were the days, youthful optimism, the smell of your hair, a blank canvas as a future.

Fast forward five years and we meet again. You, weary of the world; me, my canvas filled with something considerably different.

You ask, where is that boy? what of the dreams? What of those words?

and I say: he's here, they're still alive, and I meant every single one.

Salsa

Do you ever find yourself waiting aimlessly for something, and then realize that you don't have the slightest clue of what it is that you are waiting for?

I'm curious, is this ignorance a positive thing or a bad thing? Perhaps not knowing is the right thing.

Latin music plays as the salsa club goes through their weekly lesson with a bunch of eager faces. A few of them are familiar, particularly the instructor. He looked up, and I quickly turned to hide my face.

He knows me well enough by name and is probably wondering why I didn't join them this year.

There was something about salsa though, about leading a dance and having the girl trust you entirely. One slip of confidence, one over analysis, and you miss a tempo or forget to give a signal and it all falls apart.

I remember my dancing partner, she struggled with reading the signals because she wasn't used to waiting for someone to lead. Ever independent, she'd always jump ahead of me as soon as she decided on what move I was requesting. Unfortunately, most of the time she was wrong.

I held her one time by the shoulders after she apologized for the third time straight,  looked her in the eyes and told her to not break the gaze. We finished the next song smoothly, with full eye contact, oblivious to the world around us, and barely noticing the dance at all. We were moving gracefully, but were just along for the ride. The dance took to life itself.

I realize that through that exercise, although I intended for her to let go of her independent tendencies, I actually accomplished something else for myself as well. I learned to stop analyzing and just trust the part of me that bobs to a nice tempo or autonomously decides things before I consciously do.

It was fascinating, and I've only felt like that the few times she asked me to practice with her that term.

Surprisingly, I'm finding myself missing salsa. Perhaps I'll dance again someday soon.

Morning Ritual

It was a rather poor saturday morning, humid and a little too warm. The city was shrouded with thick mist, but I still found myself standing at the city center. I had arrived home late, 3 AM to be precise, snuck into the house and avoided alarming the dogs, then left early in the morning before anyone was awake. I was nobody's concern, because frankly, I wasn't supposed to be here.

Things keep changing. As I crept into the house the previous night, I found it layered with protective coverings. It looks like there is some major renovation going on. Similarly, the city center, which I was once so familiar with was different. Buildings have sprouted out of the vacant lands and construction was ongoing at the city hall for what looks to be a concert stage. I lingered a moment in front of the shopping center entrance before deciding that it was open.

It's been nine years since I've been here on my own. There was always someone with me when I found myself walking through the shopping center, sadly, I realize that I haven't spoken to any of them for many years.

Breakfast was an omelette and freshly squeezed orange juice. While contemplating this morning ritual of eating out by myself, I passed a girl who was sitting alone at a table, enjoying a similar meal. I guess I'm not the only one spending the morning by myself. 

I caught up on a bit of reading checking the rss feeds on the phone, going through old notes that I had recently synced from my retired electronic devices. Finding one that was from my long abandoned handheld device (Palm Pilot anyone?). It was a list a younger me had created, a bucket list of sorts, full of things I wanted to do in my life. Most of it was naive romantic stuff such as dancing with a girl in the rain, make someone laugh so hard they cried, fix a broken heart... pretty much stuff I can cross off now, since I inadvertently did all of them already.

But then it got me thinking about what a modern version of that list would be like. I thought about all the choices and opportunities I had before me, but then was distraught upon realizing that I couldn't tell you where I wanted to be in 10 years time.

Maybe I'll be married?
Maybe I'll be single but established financially?
Perhaps I'll be working for some large corporation or government agency?
Or working for myself, managing my own business?

What's the use of opening doors if you have no intention of going through them? It's just a waste of time going through the effort. Similarly, making good progress in no direction is just as wasteful. You need both passion and vision to get to a difficult destination. Passion I don't lack in, but vision; that's as cloudy as the mist outside.

Then there is the question of payback. You see, everything I have came with strings attached... the car, the financial support. I'll need to start generating a return soon, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that as a graduate student.

And so, as I finished up the last of the omelette, I wondered what I was to do, where my priorities should be, and what the correct path was.

I'm sitting on a bunch of resources. What the hell should I do with it all?

Perhaps I'll solve that the next time I find the time for my morning ritual.

Silent Workings

I disappear when I'm busy working on fundamentals and making critical decisions. I've missed everyone very much, but things are taking longer than expected.

I need to deal with this alone, to build character and ensure that I don't blame anyone else for my choices.

Many changes are on the horizon. I must work faster.