Morning Ritual

It was a rather poor saturday morning, humid and a little too warm. The city was shrouded with thick mist, but I still found myself standing at the city center. I had arrived home late, 3 AM to be precise, snuck into the house and avoided alarming the dogs, then left early in the morning before anyone was awake. I was nobody's concern, because frankly, I wasn't supposed to be here.

Things keep changing. As I crept into the house the previous night, I found it layered with protective coverings. It looks like there is some major renovation going on. Similarly, the city center, which I was once so familiar with was different. Buildings have sprouted out of the vacant lands and construction was ongoing at the city hall for what looks to be a concert stage. I lingered a moment in front of the shopping center entrance before deciding that it was open.

It's been nine years since I've been here on my own. There was always someone with me when I found myself walking through the shopping center, sadly, I realize that I haven't spoken to any of them for many years.

Breakfast was an omelette and freshly squeezed orange juice. While contemplating this morning ritual of eating out by myself, I passed a girl who was sitting alone at a table, enjoying a similar meal. I guess I'm not the only one spending the morning by myself. 

I caught up on a bit of reading checking the rss feeds on the phone, going through old notes that I had recently synced from my retired electronic devices. Finding one that was from my long abandoned handheld device (Palm Pilot anyone?). It was a list a younger me had created, a bucket list of sorts, full of things I wanted to do in my life. Most of it was naive romantic stuff such as dancing with a girl in the rain, make someone laugh so hard they cried, fix a broken heart... pretty much stuff I can cross off now, since I inadvertently did all of them already.

But then it got me thinking about what a modern version of that list would be like. I thought about all the choices and opportunities I had before me, but then was distraught upon realizing that I couldn't tell you where I wanted to be in 10 years time.

Maybe I'll be married?
Maybe I'll be single but established financially?
Perhaps I'll be working for some large corporation or government agency?
Or working for myself, managing my own business?

What's the use of opening doors if you have no intention of going through them? It's just a waste of time going through the effort. Similarly, making good progress in no direction is just as wasteful. You need both passion and vision to get to a difficult destination. Passion I don't lack in, but vision; that's as cloudy as the mist outside.

Then there is the question of payback. You see, everything I have came with strings attached... the car, the financial support. I'll need to start generating a return soon, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that as a graduate student.

And so, as I finished up the last of the omelette, I wondered what I was to do, where my priorities should be, and what the correct path was.

I'm sitting on a bunch of resources. What the hell should I do with it all?

Perhaps I'll solve that the next time I find the time for my morning ritual.

Silent Workings

I disappear when I'm busy working on fundamentals and making critical decisions. I've missed everyone very much, but things are taking longer than expected.

I need to deal with this alone, to build character and ensure that I don't blame anyone else for my choices.

Many changes are on the horizon. I must work faster.

Admire from a Distance

Occasionally someone will wander into your life
Just a bit, not wholly in it, but simply in your view.
She'll be amazing, graceful, eloquent, and beautiful;
talented, determined, and intelligent.
And all you could do is stand at the side and silently take her in.
Knowing that she'll never know that you ever existed
or that she stole a part of you.

So all you can do is admire from a distance,
this being that passed you by.

Wondering why the world does this,
offering what you can never hope to have.

Just a note.

As things come to an end, explanations for my conduct this term:

1. I am here for a very different purpose than most individuals.
2. There is a lot of work to do; and
3. Most people are full of crap.

Engineering is just an alternate route to my ultimate goal, albiet the more difficult one. I knew this going in, and it has been a humbling and enlightening experience. Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to try something new, I need to remain on the ride until it's done.

This is only the beginning of the journey, there's still so much to prepare and actually execute. Hopefully I am capable of doing what needs to be done, but I'm nervous and need to focus. This is why I haven't partaken in many activities that would distract me.

Outward appearances are only part of the story. Most things people say are meaningless. You can't rely on someone to tell you what their character is like, you can only judge them based on how they act. Even those that would see it as pretentious to judge do so themselves. The irony, hypocrisy, and change in human personalities will never cease to amaze me; I'd rather not associate myself with individuals who exemplify this, while doing what I can to ensure I don't become one of them.

With that said, it has been a wonderfully interesting five years at Waterloo. Although it feels like just the end of another term, where we bid everyone goodbye just to see them in 4-months time, this time it'll be different. We won't be coming back. It'll sink in later, and I'll miss everyone sorely. But until then, best of luck to everyone on their exams, job searches, and graduate school applications.