Awake and Dreaming

So this is what we've become.

2012-01-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

We went through the motions most unexpectedly.
How did we even begin? It was so natural, so spontaneous.
You were a girl shrouded in mystery.
Separated by distance and time, two backgrounds that never were meant to meet.

But you're right. We did okay didn't we?
Sparked something without any physical interaction,
the late night talks, the little scribbles we sent the old fashioned way.

We went through the motions of love, but never truly attained it.
Somewhere along the way, what we had was drowned by all the noise of the world.

But you remember, and so do I.

I don't linger on what could've been, what would've been, but that doesn't mean I don't get the subtle hints you leave. The rare times you reach back out to me, almost as if nothing and everything has happened.

You've never let me close this door for you. Pushing me to the sidelines, making me solely an observer.
And I see you slowly crack beneath the surface.

Let me in. Let us resolve this once and for all.

So that you can move on, find someone more suitable and someday think back on us as just another sweet memory of youthful fascination and endearment.

In and Out

2012-01-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

It must be lonely being an airport.
People moving through you,
sticking around for as long as necessary before moving on.
To all, you are a gateway home or to the world beyond.

You see everything. Joy and sorrow, tears and laughter.
Families parting, couples breaking, friends greeting and people grieving.
To be able to encompass so much and observe with such depth into the intricacies of humanity,
but not be appreciated enough for anyone to willingly stay.

Such tragedy, but life feels like that often doesn't it?

People coming by, paths crossing briefly, sharing in some of the more intimate details and moments of their lives, and then watching them move on.

But no matter how many times that happens, you can never lose the feeling that the next one that comes by, might just be the one.

Sorry

2011-12-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that I never found it until now.
Your thoughts, your wishes, your memories.
Flipping to the dates when we were together,
the emotions rushing through you finally became clear.

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
For breaking your heart.

"I didn't know" isn't a valid excuse for me.
I should've known.

All you wanted was someone who loved you, and I couldn't give you that.
But you stuck around any ways, and I took you for granted.

Forgive me? I'll make good on everything. I promise.

Looking and Not Looking

2011-11-14T17:47:00.000-08:00

Begin by determining if you are actually searching for something. Then try to ask the right questions, to figure out what you want.
Next, generate some constraints and limits so you can scope your search.
Perform the search.
Find someone, anyone.
Reflect and analyze this individual to your list of requirements.
Realize you didn't know what you wanted.

Take her hand and run.

It's the only way to know.

No, I haven't forgotten

2011-10-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

That was always me. The boy who spoke too much of dreams, marvelled at the possibilities, and was entranced by every single source of motivation. Transfixed on a goal so high, yet fully confident that it could be achieved.

Do you remember those nights? Curled up in the vehicle, you in my arms, looking out the windows at the trees that surrounded us. It was like our own little place, the trees as our sentries.

Those were the days, youthful optimism, the smell of your hair, a blank canvas as a future.

Fast forward five years and we meet again. You, weary of the world; me, my canvas filled with something considerably different.

You ask, where is that boy? what of the dreams? What of those words?

and I say: he's here, they're still alive, and I meant every single one.

Salsa

2011-06-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself waiting aimlessly for something, and then realize that you don't have the slightest clue of what it is that you are waiting for?

I'm curious, is this ignorance a positive thing or a bad thing? Perhaps not knowing is the right thing.

Latin music plays as the salsa club goes through their weekly lesson with a bunch of eager faces. A few of them are familiar, particularly the instructor. He looked up, and I quickly turned to hide my face.

He knows me well enough by name and is probably wondering why I didn't join them this year.

There was something about salsa though, about leading a dance and having the girl trust you entirely. One slip of confidence, one over analysis, and you miss a tempo or forget to give a signal and it all falls apart.

I remember my dancing partner, she struggled with reading the signals because she wasn't used to waiting for someone to lead. Ever independent, she'd always jump ahead of me as soon as she decided on what move I was requesting. Unfortunately, most of the time she was wrong.

I held her one time by the shoulders after she apologized for the third time straight, looked her in the eyes and told her to not break the gaze. We finished the next song smoothly, with full eye contact, oblivious to the world around us, and barely noticing the dance at all. We were moving gracefully, but were just along for the ride. The dance took to life itself.

I realize that through that exercise, although I intended for her to let go of her independent tendencies, I actually accomplished something else for myself as well. I learned to stop analyzing and just trust the part of me that bobs to a nice tempo or autonomously decides things before I consciously do.

It was fascinating, and I've only felt like that the few times she asked me to practice with her that term.

Surprisingly, I'm finding myself missing salsa. Perhaps I'll dance again someday soon.

Morning Ritual

2011-05-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

It was a rather poor saturday morning, humid and a little too warm. The city was shrouded with thick mist, but I still found myself standing at the city center. I had arrived home late, 3 AM to be precise, snuck into the house and avoided alarming the dogs, then left early in the morning before anyone was awake. I was nobody's concern, because frankly, I wasn't supposed to be here.

Things keep changing. As I crept into the house the previous night, I found it layered with protective coverings. It looks like there is some major renovation going on. Similarly, the city center, which I was once so familiar with was different. Buildings have sprouted out of the vacant lands and construction was ongoing at the city hall for what looks to be a concert stage. I lingered a moment in front of the shopping center entrance before deciding that it was open.

It's been nine years since I've been here on my own. There was always someone with me when I found myself walking through the shopping center, sadly, I realize that I haven't spoken to any of them for many years.

Breakfast was an omelette and freshly squeezed orange juice. While contemplating this morning ritual of eating out by myself, I passed a girl who was sitting alone at a table, enjoying a similar meal. I guess I'm not the only one spending the morning by myself.

I caught up on a bit of reading checking the rss feeds on the phone, going through old notes that I had recently synced from my retired electronic devices. Finding one that was from my long abandoned handheld device (Palm Pilot anyone?). It was a list a younger me had created, a bucket list of sorts, full of things I wanted to do in my life. Most of it was naive romantic stuff such as dancing with a girl in the rain, make someone laugh so hard they cried, fix a broken heart... pretty much stuff I can cross off now, since I inadvertently did all of them already.

But then it got me thinking about what a modern version of that list would be like. I thought about all the choices and opportunities I had before me, but then was distraught upon realizing that I couldn't tell you where I wanted to be in 10 years time.

Maybe I'll be married?
Maybe I'll be single but established financially?
Perhaps I'll be working for some large corporation or government agency?
Or working for myself, managing my own business?

What's the use of opening doors if you have no intention of going through them? It's just a waste of time going through the effort. Similarly, making good progress in no direction is just as wasteful. You need both passion and vision to get to a difficult destination. Passion I don't lack in, but vision; that's as cloudy as the mist outside.

Then there is the question of payback. You see, everything I have came with strings attached... the car, the financial support. I'll need to start generating a return soon, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that as a graduate student.

And so, as I finished up the last of the omelette, I wondered what I was to do, where my priorities should be, and what the correct path was.

I'm sitting on a bunch of resources. What the hell should I do with it all?

Perhaps I'll solve that the next time I find the time for my morning ritual.

Silent Workings

2011-05-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

I disappear when I'm busy working on fundamentals and making critical decisions. I've missed everyone very much, but things are taking longer than expected.

I need to deal with this alone, to build character and ensure that I don't blame anyone else for my choices.

Many changes are on the horizon. I must work faster.

Admire from a Distance

2011-04-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

Occasionally someone will wander into your life
Just a bit, not wholly in it, but simply in your view.
She'll be amazing, graceful, eloquent, and beautiful;
talented, determined, and intelligent.
And all you could do is stand at the side and silently take her in.
Knowing that she'll never know that you ever existed
or that she stole a part of you.

So all you can do is admire from a distance,
this being that passed you by.

Wondering why the world does this,
offering what you can never hope to have.

Just a note.

2011-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

As things come to an end, explanations for my conduct this term:

I am here for a very different purpose than most individuals.
There is a lot of work to do; and
Most people are full of crap.

Engineering is just an alternate route to my ultimate goal, albiet the more difficult one. I knew this going in, and it has been a humbling and enlightening experience. Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to try something new, I need to remain on the ride until it's done.

This is only the beginning of the journey, there's still so much to prepare and actually execute. Hopefully I am capable of doing what needs to be done, but I'm nervous and need to focus. This is why I haven't partaken in many activities that would distract me.

Outward appearances are only part of the story. Most things people say are meaningless. You can't rely on someone to tell you what their character is like, you can only judge them based on how they act. Even those that would see it as pretentious to judge do so themselves. The irony, hypocrisy, and change in human personalities will never cease to amaze me; I'd rather not associate myself with individuals who exemplify this, while doing what I can to ensure I don't become one of them.

With that said, it has been a wonderfully interesting five years at Waterloo. Although it feels like just the end of another term, where we bid everyone goodbye just to see them in 4-months time, this time it'll be different. We won't be coming back. It'll sink in later, and I'll miss everyone sorely. But until then, best of luck to everyone on their exams, job searches, and graduate school applications.

Networks

2011-03-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

Maintaining networks is a time consuming and resource intensive task. With limits in both, it means you can only have a core group of active relationships at a time; which can be rotated to changing situations and environments. This lends itself to a system that requires conditioning to the notion of letting people go.

At the same time, you learn to analyze your relationships and build a roster based on certain qualities and principles. It has been a long time coming, and a rather difficult one at that, but the reorganization and reconstruction of my networks is going well.

Apologies to the people I have had to push away along the way, I enjoyed our time together, and this never was supposed to be a judge of your character in terms of "good" or "bad." No, I wouldn't presume to be worthy of judging anyone as thus. But rather whether your traits were in line with what "fit" and "didn't."

I will need a team soon, and there are many positions to fill. I promise an opportunity like no other, but you won't hear of it until I know I can deliver. Expect to receive an invitation to join me someday, after I have set things up; and yes, I am prepared to convince you that this will be something spectacular.

To those of you whom I've already worked with, it's been a delight.
To those I've yet to work with, fight with me and challenge my ideas. If we can pull off success after all that and still be friends at the end of the day, we'll be just fine.

Thank you for being a part of my life, and hopefully you'll accept the offer I give you down the road.

Missed Connections

2011-03-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you've lost something, when there is a brief interaction with another being but no followthrough?

Like the time you open the door for a girl, and your eyes lock as she smiles appreciatively. Perhaps it was a trick of the mind, but things pause, things hold. You both share a moment, and then it passes fleetingly. She never reappears in your life.

But what would've happened if you somehow reached out more? Complimented her choice of accessories perhaps, leading to a conversation about the item, a phone number, a lunch together, a date, one unforgettable night, a ring, a child, a lifetime of adventures.

No one will ever know.

Most people would think that far-fetched, but it's happened before.

A girl, a message, a photo shoot out together, a failed attempt at a kiss. A week later, the girl rode her bike across the city in the dead of the night to tell the boy how much she cared about him. The week after that, the boy drove terribly far to tell her how crazy he was of her. Arguments, tears, and many weeks, months, years pass. Now they are the best of friends.

It all began with a message the girl sent to the boy. She was a stranger, just reaching out to someone who she stumbled upon through a connection.

It can happen, it has, and I'd hate to miss another one.

Couple little reminders

2011-03-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

Things I still need to do:

1. Determine the limiting factor to my personal photography. Is it gear or technique?
Need to try and do more with less, do not upgrade anything until I've managed to push the boundaries of my equipment. Learn to work with the gear I have, and not try to buy a solution.

2. Culture > Strategy
Establish better habits. A winning culture is more pervasive and will have longer reaching effects than a winning strategy.

3. Decide
"The only thing you're more indecisive about than your camera gear, is your girls." - Cake.
You suck, but yes... you're right.

4. Excess Capacity is Wasteful. Streamline.
My music studio, my instruments, the extra computers sitting at home that I built. Make something out of them... start recording again, perform musically, build that server cluster you've always wanted... or sell them all.

5. Take Those First Steps
Breaking the initial barrier is just as difficult as the long run, but the initial push can take you far. Consider all those business endeavours that never took off, the difficulty with moving from doing "free" work to "paid" work. Just do it.

6. Don't Wait for Perfection
A product that can do something 50% now. Is better than no product at all and the inability to do the same task. Plus, this is part of its development... release at 80% ability and build in systems for future updates/patches for the remaining 20% if you're concerned about branding.

7. Learn from Inspiring People
They were special. They did things that no one figured they could do. They inspired, worked hard, and blew expectations away. Learn from people who are better.

8. Be Genuinely Happy for Other's Successes
Your time will come, and it'll appear in a different way. For now, let their happiness be your happiness. Congratulations to those of you who have amazing job offers and post-undergraduate acceptances. See you all at the top.

9. Reassess Strengths and Weaknesses
This was last done a year ago. That's a long time in a person's life... so redo these soon to identify the new challenges that need to be addressed.

10. Let Go
Of people who are no longer in your life. You've had your time together, manage to say goodbye. Of the past, it is already a part of you... no need to try and bring it back to the present.

Get a grip on things again, pull yourself together, and look for new avenues as the old ones fill up.

Rage.

2011-03-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

Tumblr needs to stop going down.
The parents need to stop hounding me to get a girlfriend.
Calculus sucks.
I need to buy a better lens.
Why can't I work faster and better?
I need to cook something new, but stop randomly experimenting with ingredients that just don't work.
Someone should go skating with me.
and... some friends should come over and help me finish the beer that's been in my room for 3 months now.

That is all :)

For Myself

2011-02-07T07:54:00.000-08:00

Just so these don't get lost down in your tumblr as time passes, and a little encouragement for what is turning out to be a tumultuous year.

“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands, but not you.”

— Jim Rohn

“Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves … will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we’re gone and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?”

— Odysseus’s line - Troy (2004)

Chin up, back straight. Be glorious, be amazing, be awesome.
Do fulfilling work and let the other chips fall where they may.

Photo Albums

2011-02-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

You rarely notice it, but you're changing quickly.
Look back through those albums. At the people in them, how many are still in your life?
What about the emotions felt during the moment, how many promises did you make that were never kept?
How has your appearance changed? Whatever happened to that favorite jacket of yours?
Or you hair, a laughable style in this day and age.

Photo albums. Chronicles of our lives, or painful reminders of the fallibility of it all?

On-Two

2011-01-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

There's something between each line of words,

the graceful manner an artist wields her tool,

the connection of two weaving through a dance,

the subtlety of each brush stroke on canvas--

this I want to understand.

So many things being uprooted and turned around. My, how people have changed, how memories have faded, how what was once useful to me... is now detrimental.

It's all so reminiscent of my experience with Salsa dancing, where I began by learning how to break "on-one" only to be corrected by learning how to break "on-two". The same dance following different evolutionary paths. Similar steps, but on different beats of the music--it makes all the difference. Now, the movements are much more fluidic and beautiful.

Fluid equates to flexibility. Beauty to quality. The two things I want my life to be.

Still Alive :)

2011-01-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm still kicking and around. Thank you to those who cared enough to reach me in some way.

2011 is truly setting itself as a year to be remembered. Restructuring of my systems, developing new ones concurrently to assume their responsibilities as those are shifted out is a draining and taxing process.

There are a lot of deadlines, but they are thankfully staggered, hopefully preventing the burnouts I've experienced in previous terms. A lot more buffer has been allocated this term to allow for more drastic fluctuations in my schedule. Academic, personal and familial expectations are all being kept in line at the moment. I've had a lot of gentle, and not so subtle, prods in the right direction; so expect me to be pushing every envelope that I used to accept as my natural limits. We're human. We've always striven to go beyond what others define as our limits, so there's no excuse for me to be so complacent with my position.

My apologies for being so antisocial, for being so quiet, for being so distant with people I should be holding close.

Imagine running down a hill, as soon as you start, you can't stop. You may be concerned that you'll lose control, but you can't be bothered by that. Just keep going, focus, have faith.

and most of all, remember and cherish those who've stuck along with you the entire way.

2011

2011-01-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

Why, hello there 2011.

I'm not sure if I should greet you with resounding exuberance or wary lethargy. The past year has been a memorable one. I've seen many things, learned a spectacular amount about myself, done things I've never attempted before, and never seen life as clearly as I see it now. There was the olympics, wild parties, as well as amazing people who have appeared and moved on in my life. It was the year where I established the qualities that I look for in the people, and selected a handful of individuals to form the core of my achievements... should they choose to participate. It was year I better positioned myself for life after university.

But it hasn't been easy. There has been so many slaps to the face, many relationships broken, investments lost, dead ends and disappointments. I've regrettably had to push certain people away as their attitude towards me changed, I didn't perform as well in school after I held opportunities that would serve me better in the workforce in higher importance, and I've analyzed and dissected how I live my life repeatedly.

Every fall and disappointment is a blessing, I've learned that much. But 2011, my confusion is not in whether you'll be just as painful or more so than the year past. It isn't a request for you to go easy on me, or bring me fortune without expecting fair payment.

No, 2011 will be a defining year regardless of what happens. Before me are turbulent waters, and I'll do what I always do in times like these... dig in with the oars and paddle onwards.

If I may, every year I make a wish along with my resolutions. It isn't so much a wish, as a promise that I'll work hard to achieve my request should the opportunity present itself. Just for your information, it's worked every single year... so don't leave me hanging okay?

I prefer my adventures to be an affair shared with a partner. It's a wonderful opportunity for us to bond and grow together, and particularly in difficult times, having two paddles in the water holds the boat much steadier. I've been patient, I've been honest. I'm very specific in what I need. The past year has shown me people with grace, brilliance, or strength.

In 2011, I ask for someone with all three qualities because this is true beauty. In a world of superficial powdered faces and surgery, I just want to be with someone who can build things with me. I have someone in mind already, so a little bit of support in that direction would be appreciated.

One of the last pictures I took of 2010

Alright 2011, It'll be interesting to see where we all are when it comes time for you to leave, in the meantime, enjoy your stay, smile often, and all the best to you.

Happy Holidays

2010-12-29T05:59:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone has been having an excellent holiday season filled with memorable moments and lots of loved ones.

It has been a struggle to address the structural issues within my systems, so I thank the individuals who interact with me while I go through a transitional phase again. I also want to thank the people who have contributed significantly in revealing the shortcomings of my current models. I will fix this.

After taking the opportunity to speak to everyone, since it is rare for the entire family group to congregate together, Some doors have been opened, while others have been closed. It is good to be making some progress.

I've been spending a lot of time this week with good friends, close family members, and old acquaintances. We've spent extravagant amounts of money to entertain ourselves, and also resolved to spend nothing on card games, mahjong, and karaoke at home. I honestly prefer not spending any money at all. The moments we spend together, laughing, cuddling during a movie, makes it all so much more worthwhile than a fancy restaurant or trips to a resort.

I've learned a lot this holiday season. Learned a lot about keeping the people I trust and love, even closer.

Exams.

2010-12-11T07:30:00.001-08:00

"To everyone that's constantly saying fml and feeling sorry for themselves during exam times (myself included), look at this picture and stop whining." - Kev

Let's do this.

ahhhhhhhhhhh

2010-12-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

Studying sucks. Really really sucks.
Why couldn't I just have photographic memory?

I'd do so much with photographic memory.
Like I'd never need to re-open a textbook again.
Or forget another person's name.
And I could serve as the perfect witness on trials!

Wait, all of a sudden it doesn't sound so glamorous anymore.
It doesn't take that much effort to re-open a book or remember a person's name.

Nevermind!

Storm

2010-12-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest about this, because there's no shame in revealing it.
A storm is brewing just off in the distance, and I will have to deal with it soon.
I am concerned, nervous but excited.

Concerned that I might waver in my confidence.
Nervous in that I might fail where I cannot afford to.
Excited in knowing that success means everything.

I don't want to face this alone though, because I've seen the power of having others
carrying the burden together and pulling the other across the finish.

So I'm looking really hard for that someone.
Who feels the drive like me or more.
Who burns with excitement and energy.

But then I realized that everyone is searching...
for something that very few will find.

Our Arenas.

2010-12-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

It's imperative that we realize the value of even the most intangible of items.
Recognize the fragility of our existence; the thread which holds our assertions true.
Only through this can we perceive the world correctly
with meekness, humility, and appreciation.

At times it feels like there is so much we must carry.
The burdens that comes with age and circumstances.
We all fight our battles, our own arenas.
We all face the monsters that haunt our nightmares and threaten our dreams.

It doesn't matter how we appear on the surface.
Confident or doubtful, showing joy or anguish;
We're all warriors here, courageous as needed for our battles, wise from our previous experiences.

We're never truly alone, yet never fully understood.
All these contradictions that make up life.
How does it work?
How does it all equate?

Perhaps we are all pursuing the solutions in some form or another,
In which case, never embark on this journey alone.

Because perhaps it takes a contradiction to answer one.
A personal question, answered by the efforts of many.

hm.

2010-11-29T22:16:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should stay back a term. Take more classes, get that management science option patched onto my paper. Learn a little more, do a little more around school.

It'll give me more time to develop my product, allow me to have more time to troubleshoot before bringing it to market. Or at least try to open more doors in my life. Perhaps one will be so suitable, I won't hesitate like I am now.

I can still do my gmat... I can still be around my friends... I can still help out with my family business.

This option needs more thought.

Revival

2010-11-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

So it looks like a small team is trying to revive our old initiative.

Best of luck to you all.

I hope you found the old files I sent you of use, and my apologies for not being a part of it all again. After all these years, with so many disappointments, I don't think I could handle another year in something that gives me so little return.

Stay alive this time and make it Epic.

Treading Carefully

2010-11-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

The more I see, the more I realize I'll miss.
The people, the laughter, the wild nights, the struggles... even the conflicts.
The access to laboratories, to machine shops, and knowledgable professors.

I need these aspects in my life. Four years of this has made me accustomed to it.
It's affecting my future plans.

In all honesty, I shouldn't be considering more studies... but I am because I need the resources schools offer. I need the school labs, because where else can I get my tests run? I need the school machine shop, because where else will I have the tools to design and build the prototypes I've been hoping to put together?

And where else would I go, other than Waterloo? Where there is a intellectual property policy that is friendly towards their creators.

So I'm considering staying in Waterloo to do a MEng....

But I need to tread very carefully. This is what happens a lot with me. Romanticizing and daydreaming about what could be.

... It'll be interesting to see where I end up next year...

Don't tell me.

2010-10-23T18:13:00.000-07:00

"You can't do that"

If said as a warning: that I'm crossing some line,
that I'm partaking in the creation of pain,
that there are things which should be sacred,
that the world might end.

Then I understand and will take that into account before engaging in my action.

If said as a measure of my ability: that I lack the capacity,
that I wouldn't have the heart to see it through,
that the passion doesn't simmer in my veins,
that my efforts will inevitably fade into oblivion.

Then understand that I will proceed with even more vigor and dedication, for I will not rest until the task is completed. Until success is realized.

And it will be.

Just like the last time and the time before.

Sunday Musings

2010-10-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

Life is always such a clutter of just about everything. We dedicate so much time trying to pick and sort out things that are worthwhile to us. We spend hours reading reviews and asking friends, just so we can pick out a product that every manufacturer seems to have. We date different sorts of people in hopes that we'll discover "our type." We sit at a desk, frantically pounding our heads, trying to determine which chapters of a textbook would likely contain materials from the midterm.

This in itself isn't a major issue. Most people would just dismiss it as part of life. It's how things have been since grade school, when mom and dad started to slowly release their grip on our lives ever so slightly. But really, I'd rather not spend so much time trying to choose something, but rather spend that time enjoying or working on what I end up selecting.

Since hindsight is always perfect, I suppose it is easy for us to look back and say that it's obvious what we should've done in the past. But me being me, I'm wondering if there is something to give us a bit of foresight to this situation. You know, to speed up the process, to de-clutter, to--God forbid, do the engineer thing--optimize the situation.

But this brings me to a cross road. As far as I can tell, you can live life two ways here. In one manner, I believe that getting to know oneself would help make apparent the correct options in life. But the trip inwards is always a difficult and long one, which might possibly take up more time than if one were to do the conventional method of reasoning things out. As a result, maybe it is better to just pick and choose any option. If we assume that dedication to any option would mean success; although there will likely be some that require less dedication than others... then wouldn't this be a better model to follow? But even here there is a problem. The level of dedication required for any option is more or less what people use to quantify desirable choices. After all, we'd like to get the most return for the least amount of work; whether that return is in the form of money, fame, or personal motives.

So it seems we're running in circles here. You can analyze yourself, but that takes up resources. You can just pick something, but that risks you making a choice on something that takes up more resources.

But I suppose, you only need to analyze yourself once right? Once it has been established who you are, then you can apply that to all subsequent cross roads; saving you time that you would've spent trying to figure things out, or attempting to stick with a spontaneous choice. In the long run, perhaps that'll mean that it's worth it. Or perhaps it won't work, because people change... you'll change, and you'll need to reanalyze yourself again. In this manner, the model only becomes advantageous if the intervals between reanalysis are great enough so as to result in more time saving than lost.

So what is one to do in this case? Most likely there isn't a single solution that I can apply. If anything, everything in life is a spectrum and solutions need to be tailored individually, or simplified collections of them. Hm. Just more things to think about when I have more free time, or perhaps I'll put some of these to the test and see which one works better.

I love how my life is just one big experiment to me. It's both fascinating and frustrating to be the experimenter and subject at the same time.

All Systems Go

2010-09-30T20:53:00.001-07:00

All I had to do was stop taking the meds.
I feel so much better today, got a lot of work done
and just about fractured my wrist and ankle breakdancing
but it's all good.

I'm myself again. Let's kick ass and catch up on the backlog.

Meds

2010-09-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

A little too heavy on the meds this week.
I usually get sick around this time of year, so it wasn't unexpected.
But this one is a little more finicky, since it's making me feel worse than usual.

I was ahead on everything, but I've spent so much time sleeping this week
in a drug induced haze, that I've fallen behind.

I can't believe I missed a team meeting with a professor this morning.
Nor, that I left a lab report to do on the day it was due.

A stupid flock of geese wouldn't get out of my way as I was turning into the parking lot.

I breakdanced in jeans, probably not the best idea.

And I've got a back log of work to complete outside of school.

---

I should've brought my guitar here instead of the violin.
The violin is an instrument for me when I'm happy and content.
A guitar is for when I'm down and frustrated.

A violin needs lots of attention and a quiet room to play in.
A guitar only needs your fingers.

I need my guitar, so that I can sit in the dark, lean up against the wall, strum an unknown melody, and fill the voids with lyrics to clear my mind.

I gotta get off these meds. Ugh.

:D

2010-09-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

Three days of researching, planning, trips to the computer store, putting parts together, installing, patching, tweaking, and finally...I have a fully working and stable Mac made from everyday components.

I figured after so many years of doing basic I.T. support for so many organizations, and having tinkered around with computers since I was 13, I could do this. But why let my first time be merely a PC? No, let's build a Mac. Just because this is the challenge I wanted.

A few heart wrenching moments, such as when the system didn't even boot up at first. For a moment, causing me to wonder if I should've followed some manuals after all, instead of wasting $300 worth of components. Having to redo all my patches twice since a few of them went wonky and killed the system... but it works now.

Oh this feeling. It's awesome.

This is quite possibly the dorkiest thing I've ever done in my life.

Easy

2010-09-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

This time it was easy to let you go.
No nights of anguish, wondering why I wasn't holding you.
No inexplicable stabbing in the chest, even whilst I forced a smile.

Just this.
You, in my arms; our conversations, our hands intertwined with each other.
A pause, your gaze; and I knew.

Curious how we communicated that.
That we were finished.

Oh, we knew this wasn't exclusive to begin with.
We knew that this would end someday soon.

But this was perfect.
No pain, no sorrow, no frustration.
Just you in my arms, a kiss on the cheek, and one last embrace.

This is how we should've done it the first time.

Goodbye again. I hope he treats you well.
Meanwhile, I look forward to the one who'll take your place someday.

Rays of Closure

2010-09-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

This is good. She laid her head on my chest, while I held her. We spoke, we wondered, we planned. We interrupted our thoughts with youtube videos that brought hysterical laughter, all the while I cradled her. She closed her eyes, and said how comfortable she was, how safe she felt, and how sleep tempted her. A kiss on her forehead, and I knew that we were gently putting each other down. This was what I needed, something to close our tumultuous relationship of the past 2 years. It's been on and off, her... popping into my life every few months with some new problem, and me trying to fix it all for her. I didn't get to see her all this time though, nor did I have a wish to.

At the end of the day, she pulled me close with a little smile, and asked what I wanted for the night. I chose a friendly kiss on the cheek; and that was how things ended. Our relationship moving slowly back to platonic.

It's for the best, I'd prefer a relationship with a bit more commitment. But priorities! Lets finish school first :)

:)

2010-08-28T21:04:00.001-07:00

I know I make it seem like I don't give a shit,
But I just wanted the rest of the world to know
That I love spending time with you.

This Game

2010-08-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

I know what you're doing. You're smart. Smarter than me in ways I can't even measure, but I know this game you're playing.

It's only fair I guess, since I didn't believe you when you said that you loved me, to tell me that you don't believe me when I whispered that I've missed you.

But which is more likely to be false?
That you loved me, the boy who couldn't help you, the boy who you barely spoke to after we parted.
Or that I missed you? Missed the girl who was so many firsts, who saw the world in such an amazing manner, and on so many levels, had qualities that I wished I had?

I refuse to play this game with you for much longer. This is my senior year, I have a family business to take care of, I'm trying to launch myself into the world, and I need a stable relationship. Not this shit that you're giving me right now.

I've missed this

2010-08-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Your hair in my face, arms wrapped around each other tight.
Us, rolling around together. The way you look at me when I'm covering you.
Just the two of us, trusting each other entirely, tightly wound with each other.

The four walls of your room, covered in drawings and poetry that you've left at different points of your life. Your clothes, always still on the bed, as we play fight and taste each other's lips.

I've missed this feeling, this intimacy. Thank you for bringing it all back to me; even though this won't mean much in the grand scheme of things.

And as we part ways again, good luck, take care, and always remember the chorus to our song; that we've uttered in between breathes to each other.

Lessons Learned

2010-08-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

I've learned a great deal up here.

I've learned that you can be as polite and reasonable as possible, but sometimes, people will still look for a fight.
I've learned that you shouldn't take disrespect from anyone, but sometimes it's just a person's way of testing your worthiness.
I've learned to be away from home for a long duration of time. It hurt at first, especially when communications were down, but I've built a home where I am.
I've learned that the dark coloured rocks are in fact covered with a lichen that takes 20 years to grow.
I've learned how to be happy with little things, and be alone.

I've learned how to be stronger and better, at life.

---

The first few weeks were a little rough. So many things went wrong, and I made so many mistakes. But, it's always comforting to know that under immense pressure, you didn't break. You may have cracked, but the important thing is that you held steady; and now you're emerging as a different individual. At one point, I regretted coming up here; but now I've found exactly what I was looking for. Finally!

The Ocean

2010-08-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

We hiked out to the ocean today, and spent half an hour or so just playing around. We whipped rocks into the crashing waves, and ran out as far as we dared on the outcrops before a spray of water would push us back. Just five guys, being stupid and trying to entertain ourselves in a place of nothing. But hey, we're five guys being stupid by the Arctic ocean. Probably the only beacon of stupidity for miles around.

Things I miss the most up here? Movies, pocky snacks, stable internet conditions, and of course my friends. I'm coping though. After all, got to drive the truck today.

It was pretty straightforward, but being me... I used turning signals, and got laughed at.

The inuit are, like, super gangster and rocking it out with their hoodies and stuff. I actually like talking to them, since I'm dressed in a hoodie usually and fit in pretty well. These are my homies now, because ya, you know... I was totally street back in Sauga.

But really, I'm hoping this term passes by quickly. I just want to collect my pay, move back to Loo, since I can focus on my personal projects then. Things are slow right now, so to keep myself sane, I've been planning a lot of creative photo shoots. I need to get some creative shots for my portfolio, and then do a few portraits, but those are rather simple.

That's all for now! It's pretty damn cold up here nowadays.

Restart

2010-08-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't been myself lately. I don't like how thinking about you messes me up like this.

Let's pause, reset, and start anew.

Workout schedule restarted, back to organizing the conference, and getting fourth year project preparations done. Might have some model shoots when I get back home, definitely need to reorganize everything and upgrade the gear.

There, I'm feeling better already.

A reminder:

2010-08-01T16:59:00.000-07:00

"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they're doing. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go." -xkcd

This is all I need

2010-08-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

All I need is the camera in my hands, a tripod slung across my back, and I can be happy.

Things are a little slow right now, since we have a lot of mechanical breakdowns and are low on fuel. This is why I've been blogging a little more, and perhaps thinking a little too much. The lab has been organized, I've been taken out on site tours many times now, and have hung out with the supervisors after hours. I've worked with the engineer on site, and he's been great at teaching me about what he does. From him, I'm realizing that consulting jobs would be quite a good fit for me; so I may be approaching one of the firms when I graduate. But so much is in the air about the future now, I'll just take what comes and deal with it then (Que sera sera right?).

At least I don't need to be worried that I won't have any doors to walk through. I've worked hard to set the foundation, and I'm confident that I'll be good for jobs and such later on. I've received an acceptance letter for one of the conferences I wanted to attend, so it looks like I'll be travelling to Calgary in October to attend it. Hopefully I can establish a lot of good networks there.

I haven't been sleeping well here, and perhaps because of that I had a dream with a friend in it. She had dreamt about me earlier too, so I found it amusingly coincidental. All the same, the dream has been bothering me a bit.

Other than that, it's been great here. People aren't as social on this site, and it isn't quite as exciting; but work will occupy most of my time soon, and I'm looking forward to that. A barge is being loaded with an urgent load of fuel as we speak and should arrive here in a week or so. Planes are also coming in tomorrow to drop off some gear to set up bear deterrents.

This month is going to be interesting. I'm actually half wishing that it was over already just because I'd like to start and finish up school as soon as possible. The future is bright (: and I think I'm ready to make my mark in it.

You Could Be the One

2010-07-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

Those words have been recited repeatedly with masked intentions.

Most times, they carry nothing but empty flattery, but sometimes they are the lining of admiration.

It tends to be like this. An initial contact, a meeting of eyes, an awkward introduction.

We share stories of our adventures, you tell me where your feet have taken you; and what your eyes have tasted; I do likewise.

I marvel at your life, and you do mine.

The words are uttered. Conveying our excitement for the beckoning future.

And then we part, perhaps never crossing paths again.

People will do this often, speaking of your adventures and marvelling at where your feet have taken you. They say how fulfilling your life will be, how dynamic your experiences make you, and how beautiful of a being you are becoming.

But every time someone says that to me, it is like a needle stabbing. Because you wonder, if your life is truly so amazing, then why hasn't the other consider being a part of it?

If you see something you like, don't hesitate to reach for it, or to let it know that you want to be a part of it. Because potentially, you could be the one that life has been waiting for. Realize that it isn't all the praise that you've wanted to hear, but the words, "can I come with?" that says louder than anything, that your life is good.

This Path Splits Many Ways

2010-07-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

To you: I don't want to pretend that I have all the answers, because I don't. I just hope you'll come out of the dark place you're in now, and see the light again.

Four-way crossings, forks in the road, a "t" intersection; so many of these dot the paths we walk.
They taunt relentlessly, knowing that we can only go one way.
By our age, we're all intimately familiar with them already,
and know how it feels to wonder what things would've been.

This is most prevalent when we consider potentially life-altering events.
We think about our post-secondary decisions. "Was it the right program? Right school?"
We wonder about our job prospects. "What if I had accepted this offer and declined that one?"
We dream about the possible lovers. "Should I have kissed her earlier? Would things be different?"

But realize that every moment is life-altering. Anything, anywhere, changes the face of the earth; and the existence of every moment is fleeting. Will you concern yourself with ever micro-aspect of life? Will you allow worry and anxiety to overcome you with paralysis?

This is the adventure we embark on. A world that we cannot fully control, with forces that play cards for and against. This is a place where you should trust that the right road is the one you're walking on now, and where you can believe in yourself when the moment calls. This is life.

So it doesn't matter what you've done, stop regretting everything, since here you are...the cumulation of every good and bad event.

The important thing is, you are here.

Unplanned Week at Home

2010-07-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

*Rant warning*

I wasn't expecting to be back here so soon, among family, among friends. It feels strange to return to the patterns of day and night; to not be excited by any noise that cuts through the silence, or waking up obscenely early in the morning to work.

In fact, if I pause for a moment and consider, I'd find that I really haven't been home for a while. I didn't leave Waterloo much last term, and I left for Kingston straight from the conference there. I've spent more time in Ottawa this term than at home. I haven't kept in touch with my acquaintances, haven't really maintained my networks; all because I wanted to get away from it all.

Home. So much has changed, and everything is in need of repair. My networks have all frayed here. It's like lifting up a puppet string, only to find that nothing is attached at the other end. People have moved on with their lives, out of mine. The first thing that greeted me, my old trusty computer. I've kept it alive, even after most of the components ceased to work following a power surge, by scrounging up parts and making workarounds. It whirled to life, ran beautifully for around six minutes, then shut off without warning. It wouldn't wake again, and I don't have the heart anymore to fix it again.

We had a good run, but I've learned to let things go now. But even as I write this, I know that it is all a lie. It has always been this way with me and computers, as well as people. If I can breathe more life into you, I will. It won't be long before I have it up and running again for some purpose.

The car needed to go in for repairs, and it is going to cost me $700 to fix a broken railing for one of the seats. Do me a favor next time, guests, please don't touch anything in my car. Don't scratch the front dash by swiping the zipper of your bag against it, don't puncture the leather because a pen is sticking out of your back pocket, just don't do anything stupid okay? I take care of my things, which is why I go extra and spend on luxury items. If I didn't care, I would've bought a beater. If you ride with me, have some class.

The driveway also needed repairs, and things at work had to be done. Basically, a lot of manual labor; but I didn't mind, since it builds character and the mindless activity lets me think. I've come out for the most of this week sweaty and covered in mud or dust; but God it feels nice to get dirty once in a while.

Lastly, little sis. Thank you for calling and meeting up with me. I had begun to think that I had been forgotten, and I've missed you very much. No, I don't have someone special in my life at the moment. Yes, I wouldn't mind one; but it's difficult to find someone who appreciates you just as much as you do them. You've always made good relationships look easy to come by... perhaps share some tips with your big bro?

Slow Things Down

2010-07-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

Speed makes things exhilarating. The blur of lights and colours as you pass them by; the noises that dim into the distance; the landmarks ahead that rush towards you. But then the high disappears, and you realize you position. You're missing so much on your way. You're stepping into holes you never meant to be near. You start swerving, and realizing that the exhilaration is based on the premise that you are utterly, and gloriously, on the edge of losing all control.

So, let's slow things down a bit.

I've been making too many mistakes lately. Not paying attention to details enough, and judging too quickly. I'm jumping to conclusions and putting a lot of important things in jeopardy. So slow down and do things right the first time. Too much spontaneity can be a bad thing.

I listen to people, I analyze, and I think. I know I still have lots of room to grow and improve. Believe me, I'm working on all of it.

Musings for the day

2010-06-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

It is getting late for the day before a workday, and I should be sound asleep. As I don't seem to be able to settle down, I'm recapping on the day.

I woke up at my usual time, even with the alarm turned off. It was too early for a Sunday morning, so I stayed in bed, gazing up at the bare roof. I'm tired of waiting to get deployed at work. I just want to be out of Kingston now. It isn't that this city is unenjoyable, it's simply knowing that another intriguing adventure awaits. The tasks I'm doing are also not very inspiring anymore, my work with the professor has hit a number of setbacks, and I am not looking forward to convincing her to lower some of her requirements for me to finish things on time. Even if she does, I'm not sure how things'll go. Tomorrow, when I can pull some of the samples out and analyze them, will tell.

I cleaned the room a bit, picking up garbage, folding some clothes, washing some dishes. The room was cleaner, but still messy. I didn't want to look at everything anymore, so I picked up the violin and left for the Queen's campus. I need to bring the instrument in to get some upgrades. It needs new pegs, and new strings probably wouldn't be amiss. I've played it a lot recently, and am finally able to play some songs; albiet poorly. It is truly an instrument I enjoy though, as practice is more a delight than anything.

I parked the car on the Queen's campus, which was relatively empty, grabbed my gear and headed to the music building. It was... locked for the weekend unfortunately, something I'm not used to in Waterloo. As I had planned on jogging after practice anyways, I threw my violin back in the car and ran for the first time in months.

It was liberating.

Running through campus, I jumped every railing I deemed safe, leapt on and over every concrete block... remembering the days I tried to parkor. My first ipod, complete with a playlist from first year, played tunes to keep me going. I had recently found the ipod nano, squashed in the bottom of a box full of a myriad of items. As old as the songs were on it, and as poor the playlist selection was, it felt good to listen to them again.

I ran through parks, and in between buildings. Saw people on picnics, playing tennis, practicing kendo, skateboarding, and couples sitting underneath trees. Around another bend was the lake, and so I had the chance to fulfil a daydream I once had in grade twelve, imagining what life at Queen's would've been like... if I had come. Sweat, strain, and desperate breaths; what an amazing feeling. It was truly good to be running again.

So, a childhood daydream brought to reality. Not a bad way to spend the day I suppose, although it didn't lead to some revolution or life altering event; it did make me feel somewhat fulfilled. It isn't everyday that you get a chance to take a peak down "the other path", especially when you've already walked so far on the one you've chosen.

There seems to be so much I need to work on still.

Slow Day

2010-06-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

It has been a particularly slow week at work. All preparations for the Arctic are made for already, some people have departed and all of our training is complete. You know that there is nothing to do when your boss comes to you and and asks if he can do something for you because he's bored. This is how it feels to be on standby.

Sitting outside on the steps of our trailer, taking in the moist air, looking up at the dark sky. Bits of light filtering through thin portions of cloud, a book in my hand. Raindrops started to fall, first as a mist, then as a torrent.

So here I am, having moved into the trailer, looking out the windows and doors at the weather outside. Munching on carrot sticks, it was the only sound apart from the rain striking glass and metal.

Idle hands, but not an idle mind; that's how I am of course. Thinking, constantly thinking, planning and analyzing. Sometimes I wonder if it's all too much. I put a lot of thought into everything I do, I become infinitely familiar with every situation, run simulations before executing a specific course of action... applying engineering principles to my life.

But perhaps I shouldn't do that. I'm just thinking about how conflicting it is to be analytical and genuine. Something I've strive to be all the time. If I were to say that true genuineness comes from spontaneity, then being analytical would be precisely detrimental to efforts to being the former.

For example, could you imagine being in a situation with a significant other. On the dock, cuddled up on a towel. A warm day, wine, snacks, the gentle rocking of the waves... a sunset. You exchange timid smiles as you nuzzle each other. The breath of the other on your cheek, lips centimeters apart. Then, running through your mind: "What if I kissed her now? How should I kiss her? Tongue or no tongue?" What a disastrous thing to do in the moment.

I used to have this perfect balance. I need to find it again.

Relics that never leave you

2010-06-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Slowly, I'm returning to my observer phase; being quiet, simply analyzing the situation and trying to make sense of the world. People have noticed of course, a few have asked if I'm okay or if I feel ill. I manage a smile to these inquiries usually and assure them I'm fine. But perhaps everyone is beginning to understand now. Instead of asking, the coworkers come by and check up on me in the form of light taps to the shoulder, pokes, and playful bumps when we walk; as if to remind me that I'm in a position to participate, not observe. But I'm tired guys, I need a break.

I've just been a little troubled lately. The last two nights, I've been dreaming about my ex; which is strange because I've never done so before, and I am not one to remember my dreams usually. It was certainly on my mind today as I was doing some PCB analysis practice runs. Usually test tubes and chemical reactions interest me, but I wasn't really focused, wondering about the origins of those strong emotions we all tend to feel in memorable dreams. After all, I haven't really thought about her for a while, so why these feelings trouble me so much is a mystery.

Things don't end there. A different ex messaged me, something about tickets for wine tasting that she would love me to accompany her to. I guess it's nice to have someone remind you that they still remember you even when you've pushed them out of your life. She finds ways to communicate once every few months, usually to tell me how special of a guy I am. Just in case anyone thinks that she intends to get back together, I'll tell you now that you're wrong. We knew that we were just a summer romance, and even now we are too different to go anywhere for long. She doesn't know that I've changed too. She still thinks I'm that perfect gentleman who wears dress shirts all the time, smiles whenever I see her, and abstained from everything just to make a point. That guy is still here, but he didn't work once, didn't work another time with another girl, and probably won't be seen again until I find someone who can handle him.

Some things of the past just never leave you. They are a part of you now, so run as you might, you can't exactly run from your own shadow.

If I put life simply nowadays, it's this:

Decide how you want to live your life, whether you want happiness or fulfillment. They are two very separate things and require you to take opposing paths. The nice thing is, attaining one leads to the discovery of the other.

Quantity or quality. You can have many or can have one great one. With many, you can satiate your hunger at any moment, but you will never know what it means to truly be fully satisfied. You'll never know what 100% looks like.

You can make the "broad" your world, or the "narrow". You can look at yourself as an individual who can change the fate of the planet and the future of civilization on a grand scale, or you can see only your immediate surroundings. Your world may simply be your significant other and the love you have for each other. Forget the rest of the world, it's not immediately relevant.

Then, you choose your legacy. You may choose something material, like a company or career; or perhaps something else... like family. But choose, because very few of us can have both.

...

Choices. It would be so much easier if I had someone intelligent to talk to again.

Don't Forget

2010-06-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

A note to myself, because I feel that a change is on the horizon.

Don't forget who you are. Ever.
You're the boy who's sometimes quiet, sometimes noisy.
The one that strives to appreciate the little things in life
and toils to be someone who is of value.
You enjoy sappy romance, quiet walks in the park, slow dancing with her, and kissing in the rain.
But you also like being free and honest about your emotions.
Nibbling her ear, holding her waist, cuddling at night, play fighting, having some arguments and making up later.

You always do what is right, with the right intentions, simply because it is the right thing to do.
Always consider the physical impacts of your actions, as well as the mental and spiritual.
Manners and class are not recognized by everyone, but will be by those who matter.
You dream big... smile lots... please don't let the world take those away.

You've realized the value of family and friends. Understands why your family structure is so strange,
why your friends need to be screened carefully because of that.
There are reasons why you have certain expectations for her.
You want to be with someone who inspires you, and you the same for her.
You want someone who is passionate, beautiful, and intelligent.
And you try hard to be someone similar to match.

Don't forget that your dynamic personality is what makes you special... even if it's what you think is keeping you alone.

Don't forget that right now, you're only 21. You've done plenty more than others of your age, regardless of what they may say. You've extended your reach, and opened numerous doors.

You're dead serious when dealing with problems, but silly and playful at other times.
When needed, you're there. You are the solution to many problems.
And do what you can to make every situation better than when you found it.

So as you venture out into the world, and the forces of the world throw you left and right. Whether you take on your place in the family establishments, meet people of all walks of life, and play a greater role on the global stage... Don't lose what are your best qualities. This is a reminder to you, a snapshot, of what you love best about yourself on June 4, 2010 at 3:27PM.

Use your sails to propel you to your destinations, don't allow them to flutter in the wind and blow you off your course.

Sightseeing

2010-05-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

They weren't stars, but they twinkled anyway. We didn't see any streaks across the sky, but you still made a wish. That's what I loved about you. Always able to make the best of the situation, never faltering in your faith that everything was as it should be.

I enjoy traveling for no other reason than to see how the world works. Tourist sites don't really intrigue me, it is how people live... how they survive against the odds that captures my attention. But sometimes, it's also how the world lives without people. From seeing the struggles of people in the slums, to how life in a desolate field can flourish; it all reminds me of one thing: that life is truly valuable.

It puts things in perspective for me.

In another year, after graduation... I expect myself to be traveling profusely. I pondered about graduate school, about going right into the work force, but I have an opportunity that very few have. I figure that it would be a pity not to take advantage of the cards I've been dealt, so it is likely that I won't be spending much time on this continent anymore.

I'll constantly be moving again, never stopping. I had thought that after graduating I could take root somewhere and develop my personal life. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say goodbye to most of my friends because of this choice. I hope that somewhere along the way, I'll meet someone... who is just like me.

To the stranger whom I hope to meet in the future: take care of yourself until then.

Hiatus

2010-03-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

Going on an undefined hiatus from Blogger. Partially to protest their policy of removing music blogs without allowing users to retrieve or copy the hard work they've put into their entries, and partially because there is nothing here that I can't do in Xanga... which has a much more receptive community.

Toodles. It's been fun.

No More.

2010-02-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

Alright, no more fun and games. Time to make some hard choices.

No turning back.

No one can make these decisions for me.

I know what my priorities are, so this should be easy.

But it isn't.

Everywhere's Different

2010-01-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

"You know as well as I do that the light in Barcelona is quite different from the light in Tokyo. And, the light in Tokyo is different from that in Prague. A truly great structure, one that is meant to stand the tests of time never disregards its environment. A serious architect takes that into account. He knows that if he wants presence, he must consult with nature. He must be captivated by the light. Always the light. Always." - The Lake House (2006)

Time is fleeting, and so does my ability to track what is going on it seems. Such is the speed at which events are unfolding. Tasks are appearing far more frequently than I am able to complete them, and so I'm focusing myself to try and tackle this backlog.

It's exhilarating. The sort of feeling you get when you're flying down tracks, your progress decided by something other than yourself, moving so fast that everything is a blue... there's excitement in relinquishing control.

But one should never dwell in that phase for too long, because when it comes down to it, you still need to be responsive and reactive to nature.

So co-op apps are in and interviews have already begun. With it, I can't help but wonder where I'll be in 4 months time. Will I be back in Ottawa? Exploring the lively and classy city on my own again? Walking down large empty hallways in the museums, beckoned on by the promise of insight?

Or perhaps I'll be in New Zealand? Yes, I applied to Jeff's job at Trimble. Maybe I'll get to see a country that had captivated me with its abundance of geothermal energy and sheep.

How about London, ON? The one school that I applied for in high school but never visited? A city that has its very own version of the Thames?

Washington D.C.? (Or nearby?). I wonder how different the American corporate culture is? Would I get a chance to explore the heritage of this country that I have, for the most part, ignored?

So many possibilities, so hard to decide. Everywhere is different, everywhere, the light is special. I haven't even considered the differences in the positions yet, and already... I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't really matter.

I'll be happy anywhere. Since I'm different now too. I've learned to be on my own, and I'm realizing that the people I admire the most don't hold themselves back in any way. They give their very best all the time, demand the same of others, and treat new frontiers with such enthusiasm that I hope to emulate.

----

Brave new world. Let's see what you've got in store for me.

I Understand

2010-01-21T17:37:00.000-08:00

Believe me, when I say that I understand you.
When you tell me, complete with droplets from your eyes.
How all you've ever wanted was someone to
want you as much as you've wanted them,
need you as much as you've needed them.

Because this way you'll know what you have is forever.
And not just a fantasy used to fill up that gaping empty hole
in your heart.

Dreams and a Year

2010-01-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

Clifton Hill, last visit to the falls before moving

Already, the past term seems like a dream. Those nights with Sae. Those nights with the coworkers at the bar. Those nights out with Lucia. I vaguely recall saying goodbye to the Brock University campus, walking slowly down the halls, running my hands against the walls. It may seem strange to some, why I would do this when it isn't my school. But the truth is, I've been there before. My church used to have retreats there, so when I was a little boy, I used to run around the campus. I fell in love for the first time with a girl during one of those retreats, and spent much time exploring the buildings with her. So, you see? The school had a special meaning to me. I did not expect to be back again, so many years down the road.

I'm grateful for everything that has happened this term. The goods, the bads, I take it all with gratitude. That's what it means to be alive right? I've been able to give the best of me, for a brief moment. I was able to experience that ease... when two compatible individuals meet and spend time together; and oh, that amazing feeling of knowing that the other person is thinking the exact same thing as you.

The year ended off with many kisses, many hugs, many secrets whispered in my ears, and snuggles. And the new year found me lying on the top of a mountain slope, looking up at the sky as the snowflakes fell down on me, the village all lit up below me.

2009. What a year.

I can't believe I'm turning 21 in a few days. God, I'm an old geezer.

Track - Backseat Goodbye - Technicolor Eyes

Lost in the Rhythm

2009-12-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

Music... what a beautiful gift

I vanish whenever I'm hurt or distraught. Part of it is because I don't want people to see me when I'm down, part of it is because I often try to figure things out myself... since in most cases other's can't do much for me, and a small part of it is to see if anyone will actually notice my absence; an extension of that would be to see who actually notices that I'm damaged somewhere.

For the past while, I've sort of disappeared from everything. Mostly because there are a lot of things I needed to establish and figure out. At the same time, I've come to a realization about the way the world works... that is a little difficult to digest, since it is slightly contrary to how I wanted to live my life. I liken it to discovering that something you didn't want to be true... was in fact just that.

I haven't really gone out lately, except for the few trips to the bars with coworkers. Just staying around home, fixing things up. I had a very good time today, just spending hours with an old friend... whom I only see once a year. It was always nice to see her, and we always have amazing conversations... plus, she is really one of the few people I know who actually has some depth and is going somewhere with her life. She's brilliant. Really. That's the type of people who attend Canada's best business school I guess. When someone you care about gains something that makes them so happy, you can't help but be happy too!

Apart from that...mostly, I've surrounded myself with my instruments... just practicing and learning more. It is somewhat strange, since I'm trying a rather odd approach to my instrument learning. Instead of learning in a linear fashion (as in, one instrument followed by another), I'm learning 4 instruments together at the same time in parallel. The logic works in that piano theory would help in all the other instruments, while violin is basically a fretless guitar, and singing... well helps with learning key and pitch. I expect progress to be slow initially, but improve later on to surpass that of developing these things linearly. If it works, I may apply this system elsewhere too. I'm such a dork. :)

I've been meaning to put my studio back together and finish a song I had begun for my first girl years ago... but I'm not sure I ever want to finish it anymore. Honestly, the tune and melody just didn't work... and the words don't seem to fit properly elsewhere.

I guess, if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. I'll leave it be.

Gotta love getting lost in the rhythm and melody of music. It makes everything okay.

Track: The Title - Ever So Slightly

What do you want for christmas?

2009-12-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

I haven't done a photo shoot for the past few weeks, so I just quickly snapped this simple one to capture the Christmassy feeling I have nowadays. I can honestly say, I can't wait to get to spend time with family and close friends in a few weeks.

I'm sure everyone is asking and receiving the telltale sign that someone is getting you a gift and expecting one in return. The... "what do you want for Christmas" sign that is.

This weekend was the first I had actually spent at home. Oh, I've been home almost every weekend, but it was simply a base of operations of sorts. I'd be out of the house in a few minutes somewhere else. I made sure I had no such plans this weekend, and really spent it at home with family. Being a good Taiwanese boy and helping out my parents, optimizing the computer, setting up the Christmas lights, singing Karaoke with the family, hot pot, and looking after the dogs; checking their joints, fur, and body parts for any sign of health problems or discomfort...

And then my parents popped the question on me. They wanted to know, what I wanted. What I truly needed this Christmas season.

"What I truly needed..."

I drew up a blank then, but now I think I can confidently tell them what I want. I just want... a good Christmas. One that tops all the other ones. I don't need lavish gifts, I don't need a new car, a new computer, or money. I just want to have great memories with family and friends. Something, anything to top last Christmas... the one I spent with my ex and her family. My parents don't know this, but I asked her out as soon as the clock struck midnight on Christmas eve. Flowers, behind my back, and asked her in front of her entire family.

And that smile on everyone's faces, the squeals from her sisters, and the grinning of her parents... her running at me for a hug.

Memories. That I don't want to revisit anymore.

So please? Something better this year, somehow, so that when I think back on my favorite Christmas memory... She won't be in it.

Enjoying Solitude

2009-11-29T20:59:00.000-08:00

It is good to be alone occasionally; to enjoy the quiet motion of the wind swaying a branch outside the window, or a just savoring moment where it is acceptable to be selfish with time.

Saturday was one of these days. I finished tutoring my students in the morning, hoping to God that they couldn't tell that I was exhausted from not sleeping well at all the night before. curled up in bed again, threw the covers over my head and dozed for an hour or so before finally getting dressed and having breakfast. By this time of course, it was already noon.

It is a strange feeling to be by myself again. For the past term, I spent every moment either at applied at work, madly trying to complete assignments from the online course, or out with friends. My schedule was packed and there was honestly not a moment of reprieve. The term before that? Studying at school, early mornings into the study room and late nights out. Every moment worried that perhaps I don't have what it takes to be in Waterloo Engineering. Perhaps... I should've accepted one of those other university offers years ago.

---

And so, with a moment to myself, I caught up with my thoughts. Flash back to last weekend, picking up my ex from Toronto and driving her to Waterloo so that she could visit her best friend. Honestly, any sane guy wouldn't have done it. She was an ex, we haven't spoken in half a year, and we didn't last very long back then anyways. But I've missed our dynamic conversations and she wanted to see me again, so I agreed.

And such amazing conversations we had.

We spoke of our time together. Her perception of me, mine of her... our dreams, our goals, our shared interests.

And in the end, a hug... her head snuggled in that familiar place by my neck.

---

Fast forward a few days, until I stopped at elswhere and paid another ex a visit. We haven't spoken in a long time, and were once best friends. Our friendship died when the relationship did years ago.

She caught me up with her life, told me about her new boyfriend who happens to be a Waterloo student too... and about how life is now that she was well on her way to accomplishing her goals.

She was always the bright one, amazingly brilliant in school and socially, always destroyed me in any class I dared to compete with her in (except English and anything that had to do with technology). But I was such a cocky little kid back in high school. Such a creep too.

I'm so excited for what she'll become. And it was even better to hear that she was excited for me too. We're still keeping our promises from our high school graduation. But how we've changed.

---

Back to the present. Alone again. No one was home, so everything was silent. The guitar lay beside me, as recipes for dinner flashed across the computer screen.

Spending time on myself is the most assured investment. After all these years, I've realized how sad some people are. How useless it is to waste time trying to impress them. How stupid it is to chase after them.

I will only spend my resources on people with substance. People of value. People who will make a damn difference in this world or mine.

So for now, let me stay alone.

But please don't think I've abandoned you. No, I never abandon my friends. I keep my promises, and I'll be there when you need me. But for now, just a moment, I need this for myself.

Track: Scott Simmons - Umbrella (Cover)

Why didn't you?

2009-11-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

Why don't you spend a moment, and explain to me why I shouldn't be angry
Why, we couldn't have talked this through back then
Why, you... of all people, only looked at surface appearances and never gave me a chance to explain.

I would've told you everything.
If only you've had told me that it was a problem.

You WERE everything to me. And I would've gladly changed for you.

Why didn't you just talk to me?

It doesn't matter, if it's empty.

2009-11-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

As we get older, we learn that words don't really mean anything. That, on the surface they may seem to express something, but that their contents may truly be lacking. Actions are the same too of course. If they carry nothing, or can't hold anything... then it's all meaningless, useless.

A lot of times, we say things that are like that. We randomly say something that may seem helpful, but in reality offers little in guidance. Or we say something that is hurtful, with no intention of doing so. We may do something in the same manner. In a way... I think this has desensitized us to words and actions.

If you're too sensitive, people don't like you too much and it's hard for you to fit in. Part of socializing is knowing when something is a "joke" and when something isn't. But what differentiates a teasing comment from an offensive one is sometimes difficult to define, and I think sometimes people just play it safe. In order to not start a commotion on something that may or may not be intended, we just take it as a joke. Our first reaction to a lot of serious matters are: "he/she can't be serious..." or "are you joking?"

So in the same way, our desensitized nature has caused us to not think much into the actions and words someone else may have to offer us. So what if, that little action or that little compliment was meant to carry something important? Like, affection, a little message of love, or a little warning about some impending danger?

Selfless actions go unnoticed. Subtle hints go by unawares.

Opportunities are missed. And what could've been the start of something new, fades into oblivion.

Track: Daniel D - The Truth

In Remembrance, 2009.

2009-11-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

I can talk all I want, I can put pretty words in a row to inadequately express my appreciation.

For those who gave their lives, are giving, to a cause much greater than any single individual can hope for alone.

For those who took up arms when they were needed.

For those who realized that there are battles, other than their own, that need to be fought.

For your selfless sacrifices, the bravery that I can only dream of having, and for reminding us of duty and honour... Thank you.

I will not forget my term in Ottawa, working with the department that is in charge of procuring gear and equipment for our forces. They always spoke of them with pride, and worked hard to get them what they wanted, needed. I underestimated their devotion, until the day another one of the "boys" was lost in Afghanistan. They were silent. No professional banter, no playful jokes, no gleaming smiles. Just a solemn, empty face... eyes looking at the ground wherever they walked. In some way, they felt they had failed. That they had not done something, purchased something, provided something, that could've saved that soldier's life. I didn't understand what devotion was, until then.

I did not have a chance to pick up a poppy this year. I hope you'll all forgive me. But this boy will never forget the gravity of your accomplishments, nor waver as he strives to do his part. For those of you in the forces that I've had the privilege of meeting, thank you for treating me as one of your own, thank you for showing class, and thank you for showing me that you are some of the most human of any of us. The most emotional, logical, disciplined, and down to earth individuals I've truly met.

My Respect. Always.

God bless the Canadian Forces.

A Memorable Blip

2009-11-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

The little things, the little blips along life... often over looked, often ignored, can really be so significant. This is precisely why I pay attention to the little things the most. The little things can give you away, can show what someone really feels, or make the difference between perfection and mediocrity.

The past few weeks has been interesting to say the least. A series of small events, little blips, has resulted in great changes in my life. I see the world differently now. I've grown a lot more.

It should be no secret now, that I've met the most interesting girl I've ever come across in person. She was different, from a world that was foreign to me, spontaneous, shy, beautiful, dangerous, adorable, a mixture of good and bad... carefully exhibited at just the right moments. Then, there was me. The typical nice guy. Gullible, naive, always too prompt to offer help, hoping for the very best... still clinging onto the idea that there was justice in this world... even though I'm well aware the world is anything but fair. I had many dreams for her and me. But, in the end, it was the same thing... from every girl I've had. Lies, lies, lies, mixed actions, serious moments that I didn't want to have... etc. I forgive a lot. Just not lies.

For a brief period of time, she was my everything. She changed me. I became different around her. I became... better. So as short as our encounter was, I'm grateful. I anticipate we'll go our separate ways now. I'll do well I'm sure. I hope she will too.

---

Things are returning to normal. I'm back on my work out schedule, I'm reading again, I'm focusing myself at work once again and loving it. I've found a good place for me to break at the University. I've selected a concept for a marketable product. I figure that establishing myself should be my number one priority right now. Since only then can I take care of those I love.

A small but memorable blip in my life. Getting back to work, since I cannot afford to waste anymore time. Living for the moment like her was great for a while, but I have a future that I need to create.

I'm going to miss her a lot. But I'm happy with the choice she made, since I can't take care of her right now.

Track: Owl City - The Saltwater Room

Circle of Life

2009-10-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

Ferris wheels always depress me for some reason. No, I've never ridden one before, but it's one of those things that I see as a representation of the cyclical nature of life. You go up, and the view is great for a while, but then you come back down again. You start low, reach a peak, and have to return to the lows again before you can get off.

Like: growing up, establishing yourself, getting old and rotting... before moving on. It's the circle of life, just not as poetic as Disney would have put it. Well, circle in the sense that the ride is circular. Whether or not you make another circular trip is another story.

Niagara is a beautiful city. The lights, the noises, the beauty, the winding roads...oh they're amazing. I'm thankful for all the experiences this term. For the people I've met, for the laughs, frustrations and tears. I've continued to grow.

I guess that's what I have to do. Set my focus on the future right? I haven't hit the peak yet, and I want to make sure that peak is as high as possible so that the coming down part is just as breathtaking as the going up part of the ride. I've pretty much decided that I'll try really hard to get that job at CRA next term, since that's the engineering firm I'd like to have a contract from after I graduate. They're a good company, I'd learn a lot from them, and would have the opportunity to travel between their many office locations all over North America. Or perhaps SNC Lavalin. But that'll be a toughie. Maybe I'll be able to schedule everything so that I'll have four months to complete Reservist training.

Maybe I'll continue with grad school. Maybe I'll return to the federal government. Maybe I'll settle down somewhere with someone.

So many maybes. I've been taking every opportunity to speak to older people. My boss, my boss's boss, Canada's senior scientist on urban water and infrastructure whom I met this week...etc. If there is anything I got from the mixed responses, is that no one really honestly knows how they got to where they are today. They can rationalize and come up with a logical explanation, but when it comes down to it, they've got nothing. Their 20 year old self was every bit as lost and confused as every other 20 year old, regardless of how they tried to act otherwise.

And so, I'm torn between planning for the future and living in the moment. What good is planning for the future if it is no use? What good is waiting and holding back on moments for some other moment that could happen? Why not just party hard now, and play?

For example, there was really no reason why I've held back so many experiences from my past relationships. A friend had once told me how disappointed she was... that her boyfriend, who she thinks is the one, and her will have no real memorable "first" experience. I didn't remind her that marriage would probably count, but I know what she meant. First kisses, first time sleeping with someone of the opposite gender, first relationships... all mean that no matter what you'll be remembered. That you're special. And I guess I wanted to make sure each of the girls that shared their lives with me would have a first too.

But for all my planning, that's probably the stupidest thing ever. I don't know how many girls I'll have. I don't know when I'll ever finally meet someone that fits me well, will stay with me, and wants to be a part of my life. So that's it I guess. No more holding back.

Track: Paramore - Playing God

My Sunshine Turn to Rain

2009-10-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

Everything's a two way street. For the longest time, it wouldn't matter to me. I'd do things regardless of return. But now, this is how it's gonna be. I've worked hard all these years, I know that my talents are worth something now. When strangers begin to raise their eyebrows at my work and offer me contracts, I know it's time to stop working for free.

So that's how it'll be. Two way streets. Meet me halfway, and we'll be good. Otherwise, no more freebies, stay out of my life. I neither have the time nor patience for those who try to take advantage of me anymore.

---

St. Catherines was my reprieve for a while. A chance to get away from all the dramas and watchful eyes of my parents, a chance to feel refreshed. When things started getting complicated here, I found refuge in work. Having something to focus on truly helped.

That was until a coworker fell for me, and I told her it'd never work. Then ensued weeks of emails back and forth, conversations in person, frustrated words. I... don't want another long distance relationship. And I actually dislike her character, but put up with it in our professional setting. So what she fell for was an act, or her own fantasy.

I'm also aware of the underlying drama's that float around within the office. I'm thankfully not involved in any of it since I've been told that everyone loves me and that my reputation around the office is the constantly enthusiastic, well dressed, and helpful Chinese Waterloo student.

Then there was the coworker I've been helping for the past few days. I enjoyed the field work he got me to do, and loved racing around fields and lagoons on the six-wheeled gator, but he's a broken man too. My sunshine always turns to rain after being with him for a while. He lost his son to a lung infection a few years ago. His son would've been my age now. He's also extremely considerate and helpful, and it is easy to see that he gets taken advantage of. He constantly says things that brings up my supposed "girlfriend" (I never told him I didn't have one, nor gave any hints to imply that I did have one). Stuff like, "oh this is a good place to take your girl, she'd love it". Or like, "work that pump harder, pretend your jerking off, oh for the love of God, think of your girlfriend."

I actually can't wait to be back in Loo. 2 more months. I love my job. But I miss my little sister, and the only time I'll see her is then.

Anyways, I can feel myself getting antisocial again. I do this every time I become an emotional mess. Shouldn't even be getting so worked up about all this crap, don't know why it all bothers me so much. I just want to be alone for a while.

Run Away

2009-10-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

You know how when you look off into the distance, sometimes all you can see coming for you are the bad, the horrible and the worse? It's like going down this conveyor belt or down a slide, and at the end finding the jaws of some creature open and waiting to great you.

You could panic and scramble backwards, or you could hasten the event by rushing forward so that you wouldn't have to wait for the unanticipated moment. Or better yet, simply jump off the slide, off the conveyor.

When we speak of individuals who "run away" from their problems, it is only because it is a temporary thing. They physically move themselves from the problem... only having to deal with it again later, in which case the individual can choose to "run away" again. Eventually though, he won't have the strength to do so.

So what happens if you can't run away from your problems, and can't jump off the slide? The boat is sinking, you could jump off it, but the water is filled with hungry sharks. This is a dilemma.

We have to make a choice to do something. We could stay on the boat, or jump. But how about a third option? We could attempt to fix the problem. Perhaps we could fix the leak?

And I guess that's what I've noticed in those individuals who are successful and seem to have some control of their lives. In trying times, they don't freeze up, they make a choice. Where the choices aren't good and all end up badly, they find an alternative and solve the root of the problem. Kind of like pulling out a rocket launcher and blowing the bejeebers out of that creature at the end of the slide. You sold the problem for yourself, and for others.

The moral of today's story? Always have a rocket launcher handy.

Straighten Everything Out

2009-10-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

When you try to do too many things at once, things can get pretty messy. It seems like a pretty basic lesson that everyone should know, but when you're caught up with the excitement of finally finding your path... it's hard to remind yourself about the importance of caution.

Things get jumbled and tangled. Sooner or later, you realized that you can't sort things out anymore. You can't find the time to do the things you really want. You can't find the right words to say or actions to do. You can't identify which of your feelings are real, and which are the result of mere fantasy.

I've resigned from my internship position with the American media outlet. I was humbled and surprised when they embraced me with such enthusiasm. But it only served to satisfy a mild curiosity and to fluff up my resume... which, to be honest, wouldn't have made much difference.

Now that the internship is out of the way, I can finally focus on making myself better. I've got my instruments to practice, need to work on my tennis swing, experiment with some more cooking recipes, and restart my workout program in earnest.

I can sort of feel myself begin to shut people out again, especially after this weekend. I'm ashamed of what I did, and disappointed that I still can't sort out my feelings. But perhaps, I'll let her take the lead on this one and see what she wants. When the time comes, it'll come.

It's hard to sort out illusions from truth when your feelings get in the way.

Track: A Rocket to the Moon - 54321

Time to Move On.

2009-10-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've heard it a million times, seen it through countless dreams.

They've all told me the same thing. To forget about it all, and move on.

To forget the way you'd hold my hands to cup your face.

The way your hands would always find mine.

The mischievous smiles you'd flash as you bit my lip gently and wouldn't let me go.

Then there are those who remind me that I'm getting older.

That it is time for me to focus on the rest of my life.

So perhaps it is time for me to move on. To move out on my own.

I can empty my investment accounts, and it'll be enough to purchase that loft I've been looking at.

I can accept my current supervisor's offer to extend my contract.

Then I'd be fully independent.

But is this what I want? Would I be happy? What would my parents think if I bought a house without consulting them?

Choices.

Sick & Rainy Days.

2009-09-28T16:15:00.000-07:00

It was all gloomy and rainy this morning and I had a pounding headache, but I managed to get to work on time. One hour in, I decided that I wasn't going to last, excused myself, went home, and curled up in bed instead.

It was a little difficult to sleep, so I did some reading and just thought about things.

I realized just how much I enjoyed working in the public sector, for governments and such. My current work term, and my last one with the federal government have made me realized how much more rewarding it is to be working for an organization whose priority is the quality of it's product and service, and not it's bottom line. Both my terms have been in the public work's departments, so taking care of the infrastructure that our society and cities rely on... but yet are taken for granted so often.

The jobs are stable, the tasks interesting, and you feel like a part of a community. Working for the federal government made me feel at home with practically everyone. My term here in the Region of Niagara made me feel like this region is my home. You take every person's smile and joy as payment for your hard work. Likewise, you use every person's sadness and anger as motivation for you to work harder.

The public works agencies of cities and nations really strive for one thing, to improve the standard of living for its people. Without a doubt, this is an area that I wouldn't mind finding myself in many years down the road.

But for now, I'm still set on continuing with the family businesses. Next term should be relatively light, so I plan to be in the student shop a lot trying to make something marketable. Hopefully I'll meet some professors doing some interesting research that I can apply to my work. My brother is likely heading back to Waterloo to do his masters, so when he's finished in 3 years time, I should have something established.

It's a good thing that the school has so much resources to help students commercialize products and ideas. I'll have to consult with a few of my friends who've already started their own endeavors, draft a business plan, get loans, get good partners, and go forward with unending devotion and passion.

A lot is riding on this. At least my back ups are in place now, soooo lets do this.

Track: Augustana - Boston

Snagged

2009-09-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

It's kind of funny where we find ourselves sometimes. Without suspecting it, I'm snagged on something, but I'm liking it here right now. Life is interesting, exhilarating, and I'm seeing the limits I've imposed on myself breakdown.

My coworker, another co-op student from Brock and I have been running around. We've explored a few hiking trails, talked a lot, and tried a few restaurants. The trails were my favorite. I love being outdoors. She made it pretty obvious that she liked me, but I didn't feel the same in return. So, I made it clear that I wasn't looking for something. She seemed disappointed, but she cheered up after wards and said that we could still be friends. I'm glad that went well.

---

I guess it has been an interesting few weeks. All the girls from my original social group are now happily with someone special, so I don't expect to hear from them too much. It's been pretty nice observing how their relationships are forming. The beginnings are always so cheerful and so full of hope. They better all do well, I trying to put those days of me taking care of broken girls behind me. I've learned. They come, I help them, and then they leave. I won't hear from them until they need help again.

Things have been busy. We've been experimenting with a new polymer at work, so I've been busy pouring over the data. I love what we're doing, it's like real science. :)

I gotta get working hard on the projects from my American internship. I don't think they're really impressed with my progress so far, but I really haven't had much time to devote to it. Gotta get on it, can't give Waterloo a bad name now can I?

On another note, we've got a new Karaoke machine at home, like any good Taiwanese family, you've gotta have a piano and a K machine. At least this one has new songs and has actual KTV songs. Although, to be honest, it is just a linux box, so I probably could've made it myself if I had the time.

Back to singing, and playing with my doggies. Damn I've missed them.

Another One Off the List

2009-09-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

If you ask someone what they'd like to be like in the future, where they'd like to find themselves, they'd probably tell you that they want to be successful. I have no doubt that most people have some image of what "success" looks like. But of course it isn't the destination that really matters right? I mean, the trip is usually the longest and most interesting part of any adventure. Arriving is simply the garnishing at the end of an epic journey.

After a conservative childhood that has lasted all the way to... last year, life has been a mad dash to cram as much into every moment possible. It is exhilarating, and eye opening.

I guess, after this weekend and another spontaneous drive to Waterloo, I can finally cross another first off my list. ~~Getting Drunk~~.

Everything was just right. I unexpectedly found myself surrounded by good friends, who helped me enjoy the night safely. Special thanks to: the girls who kept a lookout for me so that I didn't run off. To the girls that let me pass out on their shoulders and to those that kept giving me water. To the guys who took my car keys, drove me to their place and set me on their couch. I'm glad to hear that I was quite entertaining intoxicated, but yeah... don't expect it to happen again. I didn't think those shots would hit me quite as hard as they did.

Overall, it has been a great weekend. Juliana jumped on me while I was semi-passed out on bed, and was half hugging me and slapping me at the same time. I managed to walk into a door twice, and bent my glasses out of shape. I think I actually told someone I didn't like that I'd try to stop being a jackass to him. Got some practice playing tennis on Sunday, and got to spend more time with a very special girl.

Speaking of which. She's surprising me every time I take her out, and I've been trying to spend time with her as often as I can. On the surface, she seems like an anti-social individual who lacks opinions. But in the right conditions, you can see that she does have something to share. There's much more to her than what appears on that simple and calm demeanor of hers. I wonder what I'll see if I keep digging. If I'll find what I'm looking for.

Track: Kill Paradise - Couplet

Kids

2009-09-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today was day one of the Region of Niagara's water festival. It is supposed to raise awareness about water conservation, and so we've had schools shuttle students in all day long. It began with me picking up my coworker and classmate Olivia who was going to be my partner. Then a moment fumbling with my GPS, only to learn that the conservation area we were supposed to go to wasn't on it. So, we relied on good old physical maps and made our way down country roads, over old bridges, and winding through vineyards.

Tents, signs, and even breakfast was already set up when we arrived. We checked in, threw on our shirts, and headed to our station. A sizable white tent with tables and seating.

For the next 5 hours I was "mad scientist Dan" and she was "mad scientist Olivia." Together we demonstrated the tests we did on water in the lab, albeit in a much simpler sense, and taught grade three and five students about water quality analysis.

They were so full of energy, so promising, so bright, so enthusiastic. It felt like frosh week again, except with frosh that were hyped up on caffeine.

The highlight of the day was as we were packing up and about to leave. Two little boys came back to our tent to wave goodbye to us, and yelled out "goodbye mad scientist Dave!" to me. The expressions on their faces and flailing waves, were just awesome. I didn't even bother correcting them about my name.

A full week of this, it's like being a camp counselor. This job just gets better and better.

Life here is comfortable. Ottawa was nice, I still love Mississauga... so that leaves one more place to visit before I decide where I'd like to be for the next few years... Vancouver (:

Recall.

2009-09-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

A block or so away from my house in St. Catherines is this lake. I pass by it every morning on my way to work, and so I've always been curious about it. Olivia, my classmate and coworker, met up with me during the corporate orientation. We grabbed lunch together, got caught up a bit, and then decided to kill the last thirty minutes of our lunch with a walk on the boardwalk. It was quite a sight. It was sunny, but cool. A light but steady breeze blew over the surface of the lake, and we tried to point out features that we knew and attempted to judge the quality of the water (it sucked). It was a nice reprieve from work.

Halfway through September already.

Do you ever get those random flashes of memory? You know, the fuzzy images of lost hands finding each other, nights spent tangled up with her, holding her as close as possible, leaving flowers and little notes at her doorstep... six months already. I hope she's doing well, wherever she is now. Oh sure, I'm still mad at her, but that doesn't mean I don't still care.

Anyways, for the rest of this week, Olivia and I will be demonstrating to grade three and five students how we do analysis on water samples. We're supposed to act like mad scientists. It's been a while since I've done improve and drama, but this should be interesting.

Going to be in Hamilton with the McMaster Taiwanese Student Association this weekend, so hopefully that'll take my mind off things.

Track: The Secret - I Wish

Just for something familiar.

2009-09-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

Lately, its been trips back to Mississauga, and excursions to Waterloo and Guelph... all for the sake of potentially finding something familiar. One on one hangouts with friends, photo shoots, random adventures, laughs, and conversations that go on for hours. St. Catherines has been wonderful to me, work is engaging and interesting, and people are amazingly open and friendly. But I don't know this city, I don't know these people. In the end, it is still a little lonely here.

Not that this wasn't expected of course, I enjoyed Ottawa because I already knew people there. So I could explore it with friends, but it is different here.

It's been nice seeing everyone these past few weeks and getting caught up. I doubt I'll be hearing from many people from now on, since it looks like everyone is busy with their relationships. I don't blame any of them, I disappeared during my last relationship too. Best of luck to all of you. :)

Kinda sucks that most of my photo shoot partners are in that group of friends too. Looks like I'm back shooting solo for a while.

Track: Kill Paradise - Beautiful Colors

New Beginnings

2009-09-12T19:14:00.001-07:00

I really only set this up to follow everyone who has either:
a) Started blogging and have decided to use Blogger's service
b) Migrated here from one of my other blogging communities

I do not know if I will be using this site to blog, as I am unsure of which niche to fill with this one. I'll figure it out later.

Why hello Blogger community, I'm delighted to meet you all.

Track: A Rocket To The Moon - Baby We're Invincible